Thursday, February 26, 2009

these moments

these moments come unbidden, but usually when i'm surprisingly alone and not surrounded by the kids, my colleagues, students, or just people in general.

these moments where I think I am really really tired of this world now, exhausted, weary, and I just want to go Home... and then I weep silently and secretly for my self.

if it were not for the children, I'd really want to die now, peacefully, in bed, just after a good night's sleep.

i have planted my trees, written my books and borne not just a wonderful son but two beautiful daughters as well--wonderful and beautiful inside and out--have loved and lost and loved again and only grown finer, stronger, wiser and more beautiful from them.

what is there left for me to do, except to see my children through until they can go on on their own?

sometimes i wonder if i am just experiencing lingering grief and depression from Papa's and Mama's passing around a year ago... but then i remember that i started feeling this way even before they were hospitalized and later died.

i actually started feeling this way around the middle of my self-imposed sabbatical in 2007, when i took a year's unpaid leave off from my university teaching work just to refresh and renew and find out some more about what i'm really about, what my life is about.

a friend would possibly suggest midlife crisis, as im right smack in the middle of 40 ... : ) but i believe i had my midlife crisis much earlier on, at 32-34 when my life was crumbling down and i finally left my marriage to break free and re-start my life 7 years ago.

and my life has only been one big, grand and beautiful adventure and series of triumphs and joys since then. full blossoming, all cylinders on.

still, these moments come.

and i just feel so old and weary and sad... of this world, of human nature, of life in this planet.

so these moments come.

and there is nothing much left to do except to bear them, on the way to fully embracing them someday soon... somehow.