Thursday, January 22, 2009

Changes

shit. i am scared.

i only realize that about my self now.

i meant to write on another blog a copy of my diary list, "How to Stay In Joy/Keep Feeling Good (Because It's the Good Feelings that Attracts the Good Things!), but as i was preparing to write the post, i asked my self why i'm even resurrecting this list of things i've learned now, why it's so important for me that i keep this list... and i realize that it's mainly more as a clear reminder for me of what to be doing when i'm not feeling good, when the anxieties eat up at my confidence and joy and good feelings-- which has been happening a lot lately (since late last year, actually).

i also realized that it's because right now, there are 3 Major Changes happening in my life-- career (closing some doors to open space for a new one), love (is this a deepening... or a disengaging?) and finances (closing off some faucets to focus my energies on opening a new and bigger one, but meanwhile there's the interim transition period to maneuver skillfully...)--and so that's why ive been feeling so constantly anxious lately, despite my best efforts at keeping my good feelings up and in place.

even if these changes are ones i've mostly initiated--or at least, encouraged-- my self, so they are not as if they were thrust upon me like i was a victim, and even if i know, intellectually, how to maneuver through these tricky shoals and i do have a general flexible plan in mind--

still, i feel scared.

oh, i know i'm a terrific survivor, and have survived the worst at a time when i didn't know any better, and i know i can survive and even triumph over these now, as before.

but, still.

it's this interim period of things being in a flux, all up in the air, more darkness than light, that scares me, as i can't do anything much but watch and wait, and discern and wait for my turn to act on the moment.

i feel so helpless, being carried away by Tides bigger than i am.

and in my meditations, God only keeps telling me one thing: "Relax, my child. Relax."

and i am soooo scared shit of relaxing, releasing my hold, and just fully, freely letting go now, on all three Change Subjects (career, love, finances) all at once!

God help me through this.