Thursday, February 26, 2009

these moments

these moments come unbidden, but usually when i'm surprisingly alone and not surrounded by the kids, my colleagues, students, or just people in general.

these moments where I think I am really really tired of this world now, exhausted, weary, and I just want to go Home... and then I weep silently and secretly for my self.

if it were not for the children, I'd really want to die now, peacefully, in bed, just after a good night's sleep.

i have planted my trees, written my books and borne not just a wonderful son but two beautiful daughters as well--wonderful and beautiful inside and out--have loved and lost and loved again and only grown finer, stronger, wiser and more beautiful from them.

what is there left for me to do, except to see my children through until they can go on on their own?

sometimes i wonder if i am just experiencing lingering grief and depression from Papa's and Mama's passing around a year ago... but then i remember that i started feeling this way even before they were hospitalized and later died.

i actually started feeling this way around the middle of my self-imposed sabbatical in 2007, when i took a year's unpaid leave off from my university teaching work just to refresh and renew and find out some more about what i'm really about, what my life is about.

a friend would possibly suggest midlife crisis, as im right smack in the middle of 40 ... : ) but i believe i had my midlife crisis much earlier on, at 32-34 when my life was crumbling down and i finally left my marriage to break free and re-start my life 7 years ago.

and my life has only been one big, grand and beautiful adventure and series of triumphs and joys since then. full blossoming, all cylinders on.

still, these moments come.

and i just feel so old and weary and sad... of this world, of human nature, of life in this planet.

so these moments come.

and there is nothing much left to do except to bear them, on the way to fully embracing them someday soon... somehow.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


shit. i am scared.

i only realize that about my self now.

i meant to write on another blog a copy of my diary list, "How to Stay In Joy/Keep Feeling Good (Because It's the Good Feelings that Attracts the Good Things!), but as i was preparing to write the post, i asked my self why i'm even resurrecting this list of things i've learned now, why it's so important for me that i keep this list... and i realize that it's mainly more as a clear reminder for me of what to be doing when i'm not feeling good, when the anxieties eat up at my confidence and joy and good feelings-- which has been happening a lot lately (since late last year, actually).

i also realized that it's because right now, there are 3 Major Changes happening in my life-- career (closing some doors to open space for a new one), love (is this a deepening... or a disengaging?) and finances (closing off some faucets to focus my energies on opening a new and bigger one, but meanwhile there's the interim transition period to maneuver skillfully...)--and so that's why ive been feeling so constantly anxious lately, despite my best efforts at keeping my good feelings up and in place.

even if these changes are ones i've mostly initiated--or at least, encouraged-- my self, so they are not as if they were thrust upon me like i was a victim, and even if i know, intellectually, how to maneuver through these tricky shoals and i do have a general flexible plan in mind--

still, i feel scared.

oh, i know i'm a terrific survivor, and have survived the worst at a time when i didn't know any better, and i know i can survive and even triumph over these now, as before.

but, still.

it's this interim period of things being in a flux, all up in the air, more darkness than light, that scares me, as i can't do anything much but watch and wait, and discern and wait for my turn to act on the moment.

i feel so helpless, being carried away by Tides bigger than i am.

and in my meditations, God only keeps telling me one thing: "Relax, my child. Relax."

and i am soooo scared shit of relaxing, releasing my hold, and just fully, freely letting go now, on all three Change Subjects (career, love, finances) all at once!

God help me through this.