one current life question i have in my heart is whether to heed the invitation i feel to go back to the family bakery and take care of things again, as well as papa's household, now that he is less equipped to handle the day-to-day demands of the business and all, or to stay where i am, and keep off something i have long ago left behind.
as with most life questions, it isn't really about logistical and practical considerations that weigh on me, although they do too. it's more of the emotional association with the idea, the many heartaches and heartbreaks from getting involved in something that involves papa closely again.
i've done my time for the family and i've carved out a life and even two careers of my own far from the family business, things they can't touch, things he can't touch-- things neither he nor anyone in the family don't have much knowledge and talent in but which i excel at: teaching and writing. i have a good, happy life now with my kids, no thanks to him who took every opportunity to kill my dreams and maim my spirit, or so it seemed to me then (maybe he just wanted to box me in in a world he thought was best for me, is how i think about it now).
so last night i had this dream...
i was walking along a vast field, and it was raining hard, but i trudged on. finally, i came to a small river which was overflowing. crossing it was the only way to get to the other side.
i started wading in, but got scared, when i saw other travellers further along ahead of me get washed away by the strong current, smashed against rocks, or drowned. there were even travellers from the other end, coming back, saying it's not worth it.
still, i gingerly made my way through anyway, clutching at tufts of grass along the river bank, and treading my way through as much as i could, until the waters reached me chest-high, and i just swam the rest of the way through.
i got through the other side, muddy and very wet, but alive and safe, and alone again. and i trudged on.
soon it was noon, and the noonday sun warmed and dried my body, even as it cheered me up. then i met a woman coming from the other side and asked her if there was another way back from where i was going, as i didn't want to have to go through the riverbank ordeal again on my way back.
"sure!", she said. and she walked with me and led me to a dry road where many people where walking, and there were lots of flowers and sun there. "see, you don't have to go back the same way you came," was the last thing she said before i woke up.
i know by now that water always symbolizes emotions in dreams, and the rain and the riverbank apparently mirror back to me how i am right now... soaked in emotions i cannot quite well define, and dreading the prospect of crossing a dangerous river where many people have died from getting smashed against rocks, or from plain drowning.
the latter part of the dream gives me hope, though.
there is another way, a brighter, drier way. : )
and i "don't have to go back the same way i came"!
that last line is the clearest message of all.
thank you, God/Soul, for the guidance.