Sunday, June 01, 2008

The One

i dreamt that i was with Papa and Mama.

i was asked to pour more hot water into Papa's glass of hot water, but when i picked it up, i found out that not only was his glass still full but his water was also still so hot the glass was turning soft and "melty" at the bottom, where my hands held it.

i was afraid i'd spill it or crush the glass altogether and that Papa would get mad at me. he was starting to comment on the obvious without offering any solution (like he did a lot before when he was alive)-- "watch it, you might spill the hot water on me! or worse, you might break the glass!"-- and i was feeling confused and helpless.

suddenly, a hand offered me a bigger, thicker empty glass, where i could not only pour Papa's existing hot water into, but even add more that was asked of me, without fear of spilling hot water into Papa or crushing the glass.

i did just that and i felt happy and triumphant.

i looked up to see who offered me the bigger empty glass.

it was B, quietly standing behind Papa and smiling at me.

i felt very loved and supported and encouraged.

***

i woke up and the first thing i did was to pour hot water into my mug containing a used teabag from last night and which i placed on my bedside table.

as i poured the hot water, i remembered this dream.

and as i wrote this dream down in my journal, the meaning became clear:

my parents wanted me to perform the impossible, and B stepped in, not only to make it possible, but even doable!

what a metaphor.

***

so, B is really The One for me, huh, dear Soul?

: )

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Full Circle

somebody told me once how life is funny: it is precisely when you're moving a quantum leap forward that your past comes back to haunt you, if not to pull you back or pull you down.

well, he didn't exactly say it in those words (they're more mine than his); he wasn't that articulate. : ) but this was the gist.

i've been remembering this lately when people i've long forgotten have been one by one seemingly coming out of the woodwork of my life to contact me and just to say hi, how was i?

most are not really people who were in the mainstream of my life to begin with, so it was easy to forget them in the first place. but, after one contacted me soon after the other, all five of them so far in just one week-- a woman from an IP (indigenous peoples) community i had befriended a couple of years back when i had my class in popular culture visit and interview them; the husband of the husband-and-wife team who were one of our first booth visitors at a Hong Kong trade fair we joined in 2006, and who gave us free tickets to Hong Kong Disneyland; an old high school classmate who emailed me out of the blue (i last talked to her at her wedding, right after high school graduation!) and another old high school classmate who was a Pisces, like me, and who was close before, but whom I also felt sorry for for drowning in Piscean waters instead of swimming like a survivor and a champion....-- i started wondering what the Universe's message was for me in all these.

(by the way, the fifth person is the ex.

some days ago, he surprised me by coming to my home with the kids, and asking if he could sleep over. he just said our son, paolo, asked for him to sleep over, but i soon quickly learned from paolo and the nanny that he had a big fight with his wife. he looked so lost and pained, i felt sorry, so i said yes, he could sleep in the kids' room, while one of the kids slept with me.

the other night, he asked to sleep over again. i said yes, but i also let him know that this cannot go on for long, as he has his own life now, his own wife and his own home.

he has abided with that so far.)

anyway, i have learned that what happens outside only mirrors what is happening to you inside. so, given these "coincidental pattern", i began to wonder if the Universe was trying to tell me something about my "unforgettability" (heehee... well, that was the only thing i could come up with!).

but again, i wondered what the lesson was for me in that, realizing my unforgettability. (so what?)

and then i get this in my DailyOm newsletter today--

A New Level Of Mastery: Coming Full Circle

Life is a circular journey through our issues and processes, and this is why things that are technically new often seem very familiar. It is also why, whenever we work to release a habit, change a pattern, or overcome a fear, we often encounter that issue one last time, even after we thought we had conquered it. Often, when this happens, we feel defeated or frustrated that after all our hard work we are still dealing with the same problem. However, the reappearance of a pattern, habit, or fear, is often a sign that we have come full circle, and that if we can maintain our resolve through one last test, we will achieve a new level of mastery in our lives.

When we come full circle, there is often the feeling that we have arrived in a familiar place, but that we ourselves are somehow different. We know that we can handle challenges that seemed insurmountable when we began our journey, and there is the feeling that we might be ready to take on a new problem, or some new aspect of the old problem. We feel empowered and courageous to have taken on the challenge of stopping a pattern, releasing a habit, or overcoming a fear, and to have succeeded. At times like these, we deserve a moment of rest and self-congratulation before we move on to the next challenge.

Coming full circle is like stepping into a clearing where, for a moment, we can see where we came from and where we are standing at the same time. Remembering that we will be tested again is important, but it’s also important to pause and take a look at the ground we’ve covered, honoring our courage, our persistence, and our achievement. Then we can begin the next leg of our circular journey with a fuller understanding of where we are coming from.


by the way, too, that somebody who told me that observation about the past coming back at precisely the time when you're leaping forward? (he told me that when he wondered why all his past girl friends had suddenly come a-calling just when we were already together)--

he was the ex.

full circle, huh?

and so, i must be moving forward now in leaps and bounds: going back to the same terrain (like a review and a re-test), but with a different me. : )

Sunday, April 27, 2008

041908 Flight DL 855 Thoughts

i miss you
with a fearsome,
terrible,
blinding
ache
i cannot bear.

but, to bear somehow,
i must
stay away,
even act as if
i'm spurning you instead--
for now anyway.

until the ache
subsides
and i can
draw near you
again:

until
self-possessed
i can stand near you
again
without buckling
under the weight
of my own tremulous fears
and need.

i dream of the day
when i can love you
so fully and purely
without fear
nor doubt--

but until then
i can only struggle
to love you
as fully and purely
as i can muster
despite my fears
and self-doubt.


Saturday, April 12, 2008

To Love

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Not even an animal. Wrap it carefully with hobbies and luxuries, avoid all entanglements and keep it safe in the casket of your selfishness. But in the casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

- C.S Lewis The Four Loves

Monday, April 07, 2008

Monday, March 10, 2008

papa's footprints

last night i dreamt about Papa.

i saw Honey at the cashier's counter of our bakery, tearful but smiling. i asked her why she was crying/smiling and she pointed to a picture in front of her. it looked like one of those pictures with the lyrics to the song, "Footprints in the Sand", and a picture of a pair of footprints, except that instead of the lyrics, there were words describing Papa's last living moments with us.

i learned somehow that the footprints in the picture were his, and he was "walking with the Lord now", although in little, wobbly steps, but walking still.

Papa's left leg was amputated before he died.

i sense this is Papa's way of letting us know that he is happier, more whole and peaceful wherever he is now, as i woke up feeling good and clear and hopeful too.

Monday, February 04, 2008

dream interpretation

one current life question i have in my heart is whether to heed the invitation i feel to go back to the family bakery and take care of things again, as well as papa's household, now that he is less equipped to handle the day-to-day demands of the business and all, or to stay where i am, and keep off something i have long ago left behind.

as with most life questions, it isn't really about logistical and practical considerations that weigh on me, although they do too. it's more of the emotional association with the idea, the many heartaches and heartbreaks from getting involved in something that involves papa closely again.

i've done my time for the family and i've carved out a life and even two careers of my own far from the family business, things they can't touch, things he can't touch-- things neither he nor anyone in the family don't have much knowledge and talent in but which i excel at: teaching and writing. i have a good, happy life now with my kids, no thanks to him who took every opportunity to kill my dreams and maim my spirit, or so it seemed to me then (maybe he just wanted to box me in in a world he thought was best for me, is how i think about it now).

so last night i had this dream...

i was walking along a vast field, and it was raining hard, but i trudged on. finally, i came to a small river which was overflowing. crossing it was the only way to get to the other side.

i started wading in, but got scared, when i saw other travellers further along ahead of me get washed away by the strong current, smashed against rocks, or drowned. there were even travellers from the other end, coming back, saying it's not worth it.

still, i gingerly made my way through anyway, clutching at tufts of grass along the river bank, and treading my way through as much as i could, until the waters reached me chest-high, and i just swam the rest of the way through.

i got through the other side, muddy and very wet, but alive and safe, and alone again. and i trudged on.

soon it was noon, and the noonday sun warmed and dried my body, even as it cheered me up. then i met a woman coming from the other side and asked her if there was another way back from where i was going, as i didn't want to have to go through the riverbank ordeal again on my way back.

"sure!", she said. and she walked with me and led me to a dry road where many people where walking, and there were lots of flowers and sun there. "see, you don't have to go back the same way you came," was the last thing she said before i woke up.


***

my interpretation:

i know by now that water always symbolizes emotions in dreams, and the rain and the riverbank apparently mirror back to me how i am right now... soaked in emotions i cannot quite well define, and dreading the prospect of crossing a dangerous river where many people have died from getting smashed against rocks, or from plain drowning.

the latter part of the dream gives me hope, though.

there is another way, a brighter, drier way. : )

and i "don't have to go back the same way i came"!

that last line is the clearest message of all.

thank you, God/Soul, for the guidance.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

descent

in Silence
we go deep.

daytime
tinsel,
glitter,
chatter,
sweet nothings,
noise,
shivs
and dross
fall away
as Night creeps.

until
what remains
is only
what is True.

in Silence
we go deep.