Wednesday, December 12, 2007

deja vu?

i wonder now:
am i repeating a pattern
i thought
i've long overcome?

promised
pictures,
game cds for my son,
follow up info for my sister's husband's leg troubles,
calls
that do not come.

or is it my fault
that like a child still
my heart hangs on to words spoken
and believes they are still truly meant
to come true?

my word is my action,
and my action, my word.
how can that be otherwise
for Them?

busy, busy, busy--
those are always Their reasons.
unimportant, unimportant, bottom-of-the-list unimportant--
that is how it always makes me feel.

i wonder now:
am i meeting
the same man
i married
and left behind?

saying "hi, how are you?"

***

saying "hi, how are you?"
and asking you about
what may seem to you
the boring, mundane little details
of your every day life
is really my way
of poking
into your heart
and trying to see
if i still have
a special place there
somewhere
somehow.

so when i ask you
these seemingly silly
chatty questions,
which don't seem to matter much
anyway (to you)
even if you don't answer them--
please
answer
back.

saying "hi, how are you?"
is really my way of saying--
"am i still special to you?
do i still have a place
in your heart?"

so, please
answer
back.



***

perhaps

perhaps
i should not say
"i love you"
too much.

it seems to make you
shy,
hesitant,
about saying it back,
or saying it first.

but you said it to me first.



perhaps
i should not say
"i love you"
too much.

i should really say it
on very rare, special occasions--
that's what the books say.
that's what mama says, too.

but my heart overflows
when im with you
sometimes,
more than sometimes these days.

so my lips pour out
what my heart truly feels.
then, too,
what if i die soon?



still,
perhaps
i should not say
"i love you"
too much?