Thursday, May 31, 2007

Forgiving My Father

forgiving my father
lucille clifton

it is friday. we have come
to the paying of the bills.
all week you have stood in my dreams
like a ghost, asking for more time
but today is payday, payday old man;
my mother's hand opens in her early grave
and i hold it out like a good daughter.

there is no more time for you. there will
never be time enough daddy daddy old lecher
old liar. i wish you were rich so i could take it all
and give the lady what she was due
but you were the only son of a needy father,
the father of a needy son;
you gave her all you had
which was nothing. you have already given her
all you had.

you are the pocket that was going to open
and come up empty any friday.
you were each other's bad bargain, not mine.
daddy old pauper old prisoner, old dead man
what am i doing here collecting?
you lie side by side in debtors' boxes
and no accounting will open them up.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

M

he is scared, although he adamantly denies it. i can smell his fear through his words alone.

on the one hand, he tells me how he loves me and how he wants it to work so much. in the next breath, in case it doesn't work, he already talks of still working his ass off for his father's company, to secure a future for himself and "someone else" who will eventually come along. then, in the next breath, he talks about how i already have the qualities he, and everyone he knows agrees, needs and is anyone's dream. then, he shares how anyone too, would tell him that he can actually have the pick of any young lady with no kids... but then, he loves kids. yet, he also needs chemistry .... (as if he's already convinced himself we won't have chemistry!!!)

if i didn't know any better and if i didn't know him any better, i'd be definitely insulted.

but i just shake my head now, and smile. poor, sweet, darling man. all the aggravations i also put him through. having his own dad invest in his dream, here, just to be closer to me, and to have something to show to me he can be proud of.

***

i guess what makes me different from most people is, as a change/crisis looms, as long as i am mentally prepared for it (well, actually, even if i'm not), i get eeriely calm, like how it is in the eye of the storm. i muster up all my resources within me and i get really steely calm and cool. and even deathly quiet, unless i really have to speak up.

and this throws him off even more.

why am i not even worried about chemistry?

well, i know my magnetism (of course, i didn't tell him that). : ) and i trust in his.

because i know my heart and my gut well. (that's what i told him, of course. )

so, Love, here we come!

God bless and keep us both; help us get through this ordeal happily and successfully!!!