Thursday, February 15, 2007

V, As It Happened

what do you know, "life is (indeed!) queer with its twists and turns"!

when i woke up today, i was half-grim, half-resigned to bear the whole day through for as long as i can, with as much grace as i can.

but now, at 12:20 am, after having just come home from a really great time out with two really very good friends of the heart and soul, and a day spent overseeing my campus writers' Visayas-wide fellowship and conducting a talk on Peace Journalism (for which i got paid 1500, what a valentine treat!), i actually think now i really had a HAPPY valentine's day, even without my Beloved here with me yet. (i miss M, yes, and i wish he were here with me now. but he is working hard for our dreams and our future together; throwing a tantrum just because of a short-term desire in exchange for long-term values is not the way to go to support him and our Love...)

today reaffirmed an old lesson hard-earned: my joy is mine to make, and my Love to give is so much bigger and grander and wider than can just be contained by any one person!

i am sooo loved too, by many people, each in their own unique, special and even eccentric ways, maybe not in the way that i expect or need to be loved at times, but loved in their own way still. and all i need to do is to be a joyful and appreciative receiver to take it all in, soak in it, bask in it and roll around in it!

and the best part is, days like today happen for me more often than just once-a-year valentines days!!! : D

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

V

i dread valentine’s day, like i always have.

it’s never been a day for lovers for me; it’s either i was in what i hoped would be a relationship, but not a relationship enough for the other party to even greet me a “happy valentine’s day” and make it special enough for the two of us (because in the other party’s mind, there is no “us”), or, the other party was too far away, or, i was with nobody at all.

this year, i am in what i finally think is my first real honest-to-goodness relationship… but, M has been travelling so much since last month, i’m not really sure if his present lifestyle has room for calls and emails that make him really present to me, not just out of obligation, and he is the most absent-minded person i know… so im setting my self up not to expect anything from him at all… : ( (hmmm… come to think of it, is it because i have been setting my self up all these years not to expect anything at all that i get nothing??? food for thought…but expecting more than nothing, and then not getting anything still, would even be more painful, especially since experience has not proven it otherwise…!)

i try to keep my chin up, appear nonchalant about it all, but deep inside, it hurts.

‘hurts so bad.

always on the outside looking in, i should be used to this by now. like a little girl peeking into the window of a candy store, drooling over the goodies inside, but never ever invited in.

oohh sure. people love me. there are my family, friends, kids, students, colleagues– im supposed to be popular and well-liked and admired… but who i need at this time is a Very Special Someone to share it with, for real.

i wish i could just sleep tonight and wake up to february 15. i do that for my birthday even, as feb. 29 comes only once every four years. why can’t i do that for valentine’s day?

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Goddess Ways

the point of divinity is creating life, and the naturally generative, sexual, joyful, erotic, nourishing, beautiful, connecting, loving parts of women (and men, who wake up to their powerful feminine parts) and Nature is divinity manifested.

the Divine has never been just masculine... (click on this link to watch the video "Divine Feminine")

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Edge of Time

sometimes i feel like a woman and a person, living on the edge of Time… neither here nor there, understanding everyone and everywhere, but none truly understanding me…

my closest friends of the heart, mind and soul, are people so much younger and so much older than i am; i have many acquaintances and so-called friends among people my age, yet somehow i cannot relate for long with their worldly concerns and crises… not that i haven’t had my share, if not more; it’s just that somewhere along the way of battling my own concerns and crises, i must have been thrown out of the loop into some other Timeless Place and consciousness … now i am still in this world yet not of it.

i can relate more with those old stories of the old hag/witch/sorceress/ goddess living at the edge of the woods, away from the villagers, yet whom the villagers go to for succor when their everyday lives are thrown out of keel.

and i can relate more, too, with my very young children, and their friends, looking at the world with awe and wonder but with not-so-fragile innocence now, still believing in and perennially open to possibilities, even where most others see none, still continually so curious and open-ended, disbelief and skepticism suspended, or permanently waived.

a woman friend who has recently been going through a marriage crisis with her husband shared with me that she thinks her husband is afraid of me. she says her husband said, “you know, there’s a thin line between J (me) and crazy!”

we laughed at that, and, after a few moments of silence, i told her her husband just paid me one of the best compliments ever.

and she understood. she said my combination of hellish life experiences yet my choosing to still remain trusting, open and painfully honest, added to my clear-seeing and intuition, probably spooks him, as it spooks her too, sometimes.

sometimes, though, i wish there was one other Soul i can share this with, one other Soul who understands perfectly, because he is like i am too, in many and essential ways…

maybe we can spook each other, for a change.