Saturday, September 22, 2007

goodbye, hello

life is funny.

i cried my real goodbyes to M yesterday by actually saying hello.

it's been two months since we last communicated, mainly because i just blocked him off from my emails. it got to a point where, every time id see his name in my inbox, id cringe inside, dreading to open it, knowing id only hurt some more.

it was crazy. he professed his love for me, yet he couldn't stand by it. we fought, we made up, we fought... it was exhausting, too.

i was hurting too much, and i didn't want to hurt anymore.

i know i deserved better.

and so i said my final, hurting goodbye to him last July, hitting him where it hurt with the truths in my heart, and then blocked him.

so whatever email replies he sent, i never got to read.

i blocked him only for a week, when i thought id block him forever.

i guess i was stronger than i thought.

anyway, not communicating with him did not mean i didn't think of him, though.

thinking of him was a habit. and i thought id just let it be, let the thoughts pass as they come, but not holding on to them either. i thought i wouldn't feed it, and just let the habit naturally die.

but, coming to America only intensified it, especially as we had the layover at L.A., where he and his parents lived.

everywhere i turned, id see these tall, Caucasian men, and im reminded of M. my sister and i have even made a joke out of it-- that i had definitely limited my options with M, when here are much nicer-looking ones! : ) (that's mean, i know, ... but maybe sometimes, meaness is necessary to heal a much-broken heart...)

it didn't help that mama keeps mentioning his name, when she intends to say someone else's name. most of the time, she actually asks about M and what really happened. i guess, in some way, she began to like him too, despite how ugly it turned out in the end.

yesterday was the worst. she mentioned his name again when she meant B... and we got to talking about M and she asked me how i could profess to love him so profusely and just suddenly stop loving him.

i told her i loved M, and i still do. but that doesn't mean he is in my future. one can love another yet find out that one cannot live with another happily anymore.

as i said it to her, i felt like crying. i had to quickly go out of the room and back to the pc to work on the butterfly business stuff.

but it finally dawned on me that maybe, the Universe is telling me something. more particularly, maybe the Universe is prompting me to do something, like message M again, even just to ask how he is. maybe, i was needed as a channel or instrument that way, that it might not fit my purposes and convenience, but that it fits the bigger scheme of things.

and so, despite my self, i finally sent him a short and simple email: "hi. how are you?", not even addressing him nor signing my name.

as i have come to know him so well, he replied back after only a few minutes, with a longer and warmer email, telling me how it's funny that i've been in his thoughts a lot lately, and how his mom keeps mentioning me and asking about me, too, and how she's finished her book and wanted to discuss it with me...

that made me cry even more. what made it difficult letting go of M, too, was because of his mom, whom i also fell in love with, and who fell in love with me as well. she is a children's book writer and a Pisces, too, and we just hit it off quickly. she is almost like a mom to me, too.

still, i replied back to M with a friendly but cool tone, even telling him how i just had to message him again, just to keep the Universe's and my mom's reminders of him off my back, as i wanted to forget already.

he quickly replied back again that he is copying his mom our emails, just so she won't get any wrong ideas anymore, wishing me and my family and my children well, and saying that he knows now we will always be in touch with each other.

and then, it turned into a series of one-liner emails, just kidding around and talking about practical stuff, like when i'll be back and whether id pass through L.A. again for a layover, and how long the layover would be...

still, even as i bantered, i cried. nobody here noticed; im good at hiding my pain. still, i cried quietly, even as i pretended to work on the pc.

i knew then, this is the real goodbye. and we can only be just friends now.

i owe it to my self, i owe it to B, who is the one i love now and seeking a possible future with. that is very clear to me.

still, i thank God.

it was a healing goodbye, too. id rather have this as the finishing touch to my more than a year of knowing and being known, loving and being loved, by M, than the angry, hurting goodbye we had two months ago.

i guess the time has come, and it is perfect time. now that B is being welcomed more closely into my life, even by family.

life is funny, and bittersweet too.

but life is perfect, any which way it turns out.