Tuesday, February 13, 2007

V

i dread valentine’s day, like i always have.

it’s never been a day for lovers for me; it’s either i was in what i hoped would be a relationship, but not a relationship enough for the other party to even greet me a “happy valentine’s day” and make it special enough for the two of us (because in the other party’s mind, there is no “us”), or, the other party was too far away, or, i was with nobody at all.

this year, i am in what i finally think is my first real honest-to-goodness relationship… but, M has been travelling so much since last month, i’m not really sure if his present lifestyle has room for calls and emails that make him really present to me, not just out of obligation, and he is the most absent-minded person i know… so im setting my self up not to expect anything from him at all… : ( (hmmm… come to think of it, is it because i have been setting my self up all these years not to expect anything at all that i get nothing??? food for thought…but expecting more than nothing, and then not getting anything still, would even be more painful, especially since experience has not proven it otherwise…!)

i try to keep my chin up, appear nonchalant about it all, but deep inside, it hurts.

‘hurts so bad.

always on the outside looking in, i should be used to this by now. like a little girl peeking into the window of a candy store, drooling over the goodies inside, but never ever invited in.

oohh sure. people love me. there are my family, friends, kids, students, colleagues– im supposed to be popular and well-liked and admired… but who i need at this time is a Very Special Someone to share it with, for real.

i wish i could just sleep tonight and wake up to february 15. i do that for my birthday even, as feb. 29 comes only once every four years. why can’t i do that for valentine’s day?

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