Sunday, February 04, 2007

Edge of Time

sometimes i feel like a woman and a person, living on the edge of Time… neither here nor there, understanding everyone and everywhere, but none truly understanding me…

my closest friends of the heart, mind and soul, are people so much younger and so much older than i am; i have many acquaintances and so-called friends among people my age, yet somehow i cannot relate for long with their worldly concerns and crises… not that i haven’t had my share, if not more; it’s just that somewhere along the way of battling my own concerns and crises, i must have been thrown out of the loop into some other Timeless Place and consciousness … now i am still in this world yet not of it.

i can relate more with those old stories of the old hag/witch/sorceress/ goddess living at the edge of the woods, away from the villagers, yet whom the villagers go to for succor when their everyday lives are thrown out of keel.

and i can relate more, too, with my very young children, and their friends, looking at the world with awe and wonder but with not-so-fragile innocence now, still believing in and perennially open to possibilities, even where most others see none, still continually so curious and open-ended, disbelief and skepticism suspended, or permanently waived.

a woman friend who has recently been going through a marriage crisis with her husband shared with me that she thinks her husband is afraid of me. she says her husband said, “you know, there’s a thin line between J (me) and crazy!”

we laughed at that, and, after a few moments of silence, i told her her husband just paid me one of the best compliments ever.

and she understood. she said my combination of hellish life experiences yet my choosing to still remain trusting, open and painfully honest, added to my clear-seeing and intuition, probably spooks him, as it spooks her too, sometimes.

sometimes, though, i wish there was one other Soul i can share this with, one other Soul who understands perfectly, because he is like i am too, in many and essential ways…

maybe we can spook each other, for a change.

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