Wednesday, December 12, 2007

deja vu?

i wonder now:
am i repeating a pattern
i thought
i've long overcome?

promised
pictures,
game cds for my son,
follow up info for my sister's husband's leg troubles,
calls
that do not come.

or is it my fault
that like a child still
my heart hangs on to words spoken
and believes they are still truly meant
to come true?

my word is my action,
and my action, my word.
how can that be otherwise
for Them?

busy, busy, busy--
those are always Their reasons.
unimportant, unimportant, bottom-of-the-list unimportant--
that is how it always makes me feel.

i wonder now:
am i meeting
the same man
i married
and left behind?

saying "hi, how are you?"

***

saying "hi, how are you?"
and asking you about
what may seem to you
the boring, mundane little details
of your every day life
is really my way
of poking
into your heart
and trying to see
if i still have
a special place there
somewhere
somehow.

so when i ask you
these seemingly silly
chatty questions,
which don't seem to matter much
anyway (to you)
even if you don't answer them--
please
answer
back.

saying "hi, how are you?"
is really my way of saying--
"am i still special to you?
do i still have a place
in your heart?"

so, please
answer
back.



***

perhaps

perhaps
i should not say
"i love you"
too much.

it seems to make you
shy,
hesitant,
about saying it back,
or saying it first.

but you said it to me first.



perhaps
i should not say
"i love you"
too much.

i should really say it
on very rare, special occasions--
that's what the books say.
that's what mama says, too.

but my heart overflows
when im with you
sometimes,
more than sometimes these days.

so my lips pour out
what my heart truly feels.
then, too,
what if i die soon?



still,
perhaps
i should not say
"i love you"
too much?

Monday, November 12, 2007

Spinning Arrow

yesterday morning, towards the end of my meditation, when my mind was clear and peaceful and blank... and i just waited a few moments more before i ended my meditation, just basking in the Loving Presence... the image of a spinning arrow pointed downwards (like it was zooming in already for an X spot marked on the ground) appeared.

in moments like this, when i get unbidden and seemingly strange images during meditation, i pay even more attention, knowing from experience now that it always has a message for me.

so i just sat there and watched the arrow spin, as if boring into the ground.

and then, B's face appeared.

then the arrow, then B's face,... then the arrow again; alternatively flashing images of B and the spinning arrow.

i asked God to show me what it means, even as i ended my meditation.

***

today, i remember it and Google-searched for "spinning arrow" and what it could mean, even as, at the same time, i am reminded of the spinning arrow in Pocahontas.

this is what i found in one of my searches:

Pocahontas: My father wants me to marry Kocoum.

Grandmother Willow: Kocoum? But he's so serious!

Pocahontas: I know. My father thinks its the right path for me. But lately, I've been having this dream. I'm running through the woods. And then, right there in front of me, is an arrow. As I look at it, it starts to spin.

Grandmother Willow: A spinning arrow? How unusual.

Pocahontas: Yes! It spins faster, and faster, and faster, until suddenly it stops.

Grandmother Willow: Hmm. Well, it seems to me that this "spinning arrow" is pointing you down your path.



So... B is my Path, huh?

and the spinning arrow is not flying through the air anymore, but landing, boring, right on target X, into the ground.

hmmmm....

Thursday, November 01, 2007

oh, you

tonight
at west aurora:
i saw you.

i LOVE
what i saw!

oh, you.
needless worries...

i love
you.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

goodbye, hello

life is funny.

i cried my real goodbyes to M yesterday by actually saying hello.

it's been two months since we last communicated, mainly because i just blocked him off from my emails. it got to a point where, every time id see his name in my inbox, id cringe inside, dreading to open it, knowing id only hurt some more.

it was crazy. he professed his love for me, yet he couldn't stand by it. we fought, we made up, we fought... it was exhausting, too.

i was hurting too much, and i didn't want to hurt anymore.

i know i deserved better.

and so i said my final, hurting goodbye to him last July, hitting him where it hurt with the truths in my heart, and then blocked him.

so whatever email replies he sent, i never got to read.

i blocked him only for a week, when i thought id block him forever.

i guess i was stronger than i thought.

anyway, not communicating with him did not mean i didn't think of him, though.

thinking of him was a habit. and i thought id just let it be, let the thoughts pass as they come, but not holding on to them either. i thought i wouldn't feed it, and just let the habit naturally die.

but, coming to America only intensified it, especially as we had the layover at L.A., where he and his parents lived.

everywhere i turned, id see these tall, Caucasian men, and im reminded of M. my sister and i have even made a joke out of it-- that i had definitely limited my options with M, when here are much nicer-looking ones! : ) (that's mean, i know, ... but maybe sometimes, meaness is necessary to heal a much-broken heart...)

it didn't help that mama keeps mentioning his name, when she intends to say someone else's name. most of the time, she actually asks about M and what really happened. i guess, in some way, she began to like him too, despite how ugly it turned out in the end.

yesterday was the worst. she mentioned his name again when she meant B... and we got to talking about M and she asked me how i could profess to love him so profusely and just suddenly stop loving him.

i told her i loved M, and i still do. but that doesn't mean he is in my future. one can love another yet find out that one cannot live with another happily anymore.

as i said it to her, i felt like crying. i had to quickly go out of the room and back to the pc to work on the butterfly business stuff.

but it finally dawned on me that maybe, the Universe is telling me something. more particularly, maybe the Universe is prompting me to do something, like message M again, even just to ask how he is. maybe, i was needed as a channel or instrument that way, that it might not fit my purposes and convenience, but that it fits the bigger scheme of things.

and so, despite my self, i finally sent him a short and simple email: "hi. how are you?", not even addressing him nor signing my name.

as i have come to know him so well, he replied back after only a few minutes, with a longer and warmer email, telling me how it's funny that i've been in his thoughts a lot lately, and how his mom keeps mentioning me and asking about me, too, and how she's finished her book and wanted to discuss it with me...

that made me cry even more. what made it difficult letting go of M, too, was because of his mom, whom i also fell in love with, and who fell in love with me as well. she is a children's book writer and a Pisces, too, and we just hit it off quickly. she is almost like a mom to me, too.

still, i replied back to M with a friendly but cool tone, even telling him how i just had to message him again, just to keep the Universe's and my mom's reminders of him off my back, as i wanted to forget already.

he quickly replied back again that he is copying his mom our emails, just so she won't get any wrong ideas anymore, wishing me and my family and my children well, and saying that he knows now we will always be in touch with each other.

and then, it turned into a series of one-liner emails, just kidding around and talking about practical stuff, like when i'll be back and whether id pass through L.A. again for a layover, and how long the layover would be...

still, even as i bantered, i cried. nobody here noticed; im good at hiding my pain. still, i cried quietly, even as i pretended to work on the pc.

i knew then, this is the real goodbye. and we can only be just friends now.

i owe it to my self, i owe it to B, who is the one i love now and seeking a possible future with. that is very clear to me.

still, i thank God.

it was a healing goodbye, too. id rather have this as the finishing touch to my more than a year of knowing and being known, loving and being loved, by M, than the angry, hurting goodbye we had two months ago.

i guess the time has come, and it is perfect time. now that B is being welcomed more closely into my life, even by family.

life is funny, and bittersweet too.

but life is perfect, any which way it turns out.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Let Your Light Shine Bright

By Clarissa Pinkola Estes

My friends, do not lose heart. We were made for these times. I have heard from so many recently who are deeply and properly bewildered. They are concerned about the state of affairs in our world now. Ours is a time of almost daily astonishment and often righteous rage over the latest degradations of what matters most to civilized, visionary people.

You are right in your assessments. The lustre and hubris some have aspired to while endorsing acts so heinous against children, elders, everyday people, the poor, the unguarded, the helpless, is breathtaking. Yet, I urge you, ask you, gentle you, to please not spend your spirit dry by bewailing these difficult times. Especially do not lose hope. Most particularly because, the fact is that we were made for these times. Yes. For years, we have been learning, practicing, been in training for and just waiting to meet on this exact plain of engagement.

I grew up on the Great Lakes and recognize a seaworthy vessel when I see one. Regarding awakened souls, there have never been more able vessels in the waters than there are right now across the world. And they are fully provisioned and able to signal one another as never before in the history of humankind. Look out over the prow; there are millions of boats of righteous souls on the waters with you. Even though your veneers may shiver from every wave in this stormy roil, I assure you that the long timbers composing your prow and rudder come from a greater forest. That long-grained lumber is known to withstand storms, to hold together, to hold its own, and to advance, regardless.

In any dark time, there is a tendency to veer toward fainting over how much is wrong or unmended in the world. Do not focus on that. There is a tendency, too, to fall into being weakened by dwelling on what is outside your reach, by what cannot yet be. Do not focus there. That is spending the wind without raising the sails. We are needed, that is all we can know. And though we meet resistance, we more so will meet great souls who will hail us, love us and guide us, and we will know them when they appear. Didn't you say you were a believer? Didn't you say you pledged to listen to a voice greater? Didn't you ask for grace? Don't you remember that to be in grace means to submit to the voice greater?

Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts, adding, adding to, adding more, continuing. We know that it does not take everyone on Earth to bring justice and peace, but only a small, determined group who will not give up during the first, second, or hundredth gale.

One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Soul on deck shines like gold in dark times. The light of the soul throws sparks, can send up flares, builds signal fires, causes proper matters to catch fire. To display the lantern of soul in shadowy times like these—to be fierce and to show mercy toward others; both are acts of immense bravery and greatest necessity. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it. If you would help to calm the tumult, this is one of the strongest things you can do.


There will always be times when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it. I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate. The reason is this: In my uttermost bones I know something, as do you. It is that there can be no despair when you remember why you came to Earth, who you serve, and who sent you here. The good words we say and the good deeds we do are not ours. They are the words and deeds of the One who brought us here. In that spirit, I hope you will write this on your wall: When a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, there can be no doubt. But that is not what great ships are built for.



Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D

Author of the best seller Women Who Run with the Wolves

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Love and Hate

Love is the only wealth that man absolutely needs. Love is the only wealth that God precisely is. Hate is an obverse form of love. You hate someone whom you really wish to love, but whom you cannot love. Perhaps he himself prevents you. That is a disguised form of love. You can only hate someone whom you have the capacity to love, because if you are really indifferent, you cannot even get up the enough energy to hate him. Hatred is the frustration or blockage of normal, free-flowing love.

- Sri Chinmoy

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Intentional Solitude

I first wrote this for a Philippines Today column in 2003... but in my meditations lately, asking my Inner Guides what their message is for me, what I need to learn/know in my life right now... I keep getting the words, "Intentional Solitude", and so I Google-searched for this just now, and came right smack into the column I my self wrote 4 years ago...

please click on this link to the column.

***

the other message I got from my Inner Guides, was the image of an empty throne, and then a man dressed in royal robes with a crown on his head, stepping up to the thrown, sitting down, and looking and smiling at me, tenderly. He looked like that actor who played the king in "One Night with the King (The Story of Esther)" that I saw on video once, but bearded, and closer to my age...




and then, these words--

"It will be filled soon."

Thursday, July 05, 2007

strange

is it
Life
and Love
who are strange,
or is it
he
and i?

'just when i thought
it's over
and decreed
my moving on
after asking the Ultimate
and he balked.
so i gave up
and erased
all traces of him...

he comes back,
humble,
repentant,
in a strange manner
--

he says
he wants to be with me,
misses talking to me,
being inspired by me,
wants to see Bacolod
soon,
but is afraid
i will seduce him!
can i stimulate his mind
without seducing him
please?

imagine that.

what a strange,
strange
question.

so i gave
an equally strange answer--
"i can seduce men
without even trying.
your answer lies
within.
Be clear
with what you really want."



...



i've started saving
our emails again.

but, instead of
to a folder
in his name;
it's to a folder
named
"New Friends"
now,

for him
and other new friends
i'm suddenly making
now.


still,
is it
Life
and Love
who are strange,
or is it
he
and i?


Thursday, June 28, 2007

case CLOSED

there are no words left to say.

i asked you the most important question of all--
and you panicked
with all your reasons
(actually, non reasons)
as your answer
(actually, non answer).

i only asked you
what your soul required;
not what your business,
parents,
employees,
friends
required.

you choose Soul,
all else follows.

you choose less than Soul,
all else follow, too.

i do not belong
to less than Soul.
i am sorry.
you cannot have it
both ways.


as always,
you know
i spoke the Truth
of you and i.

and as always,
it spooked you
into panic
and mindless rationalizations.

Thank you, though.
You have just
suddenly
freed me,
released me
completely.

what a pure, exhilarating feeling,
clear-seeing--
i can move on fully
now.


There are no words left to say.

My Tarot Today

Seven of Wands in the "Love and Me" position--

A positive attitude and strong potential prime you to achieve something exceptional in the relationship arena.

The card in the Love & Me position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself right now.

The Seven of Wands in this position points to a personal breakthrough or a moment of triumph. You have done a lot of work on your ability to relate to others and are at the peak of your potential.

You are a winner even if the proof hasn't manfested just yet. With such a positive attitude and strong potentials so carefully cultivated, you are bound to make a strong showing with regard to the relationship itself or something that involves you and the other person.

Temperance in the "Love Situation" position--

The situation or relationship's call for transformation or awakening is being answered.

The card that lands in the Love Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your relationship at this time.

The Angel of Healing in this position means both you and the person you are involved with (or desire) will intrinsically understand that healing produces revolutionary change on both sides of the equation. Set each other free of the old roles and projections. You have needed things to be different and now they will be.

Do not think for a moment that this relationship is not worth the effort. You will both emerge with much higher self-esteem and fewer regrets if you make the effort to see things through. Sometimes the remedy is found in going through the process rather than in arriving at any specific outcome.

Prince of Cups in the "Love Challenges" position--

Your hard-won relationship wisdom can help protect others from their inexperience or foolishness. Be generous with it.

The card that lands in the Love Challenges position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.

With the Knight of Cups (in some decks, a Prince) in this position, you may distill the essence of what you have learned on your journey, in order to let your wisdom inform the dreams and aspirations of others. Not everyone is able to go through the kind of awesome transformation you have. But you can wring the essence of your relationship, with all the feelings and insights that came with it, into the grail cup.

Thus collected, you may share this elixir of knowledge. This multiplies the benefits of your quest, and vindicates the difficulty of your labors, by uplifting everyone. In this way you can also relieve some of the loneliness you suffered while undergoing your trials.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

can't go back

24 hours--
what a vast world
it reveals:

after i made my "vow"
i thought i got excited
talking to old lovers
again.

but only for a while.

old lovers
talking sexy
insinuating bliss...

i used to take flight
on those fixes alone
but now
no more.

...

i can't go back there
anymore.

although
it is a part of me

it isn't me either
anymore.

...

next week
monday
next week

is now
no more.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

this wildwoman's vow

i'm washing you off
my hair,
my skin,
my life,
my heart

with a good man's
good loving
again

you'll see.

a full year--
i saved my self up
for you,
for us--

but you just
threw it all away
for what?

for lesser
easier
meaningless
trifles.

my only fault
was letting my heart
lead
again

casting pearls
before swine.

next week
monday
next week

i'm meeting an old lover again
for some cherishing
licking
loving
healing
of all the unnecessary wounds
you caused.

you undeserving swine.

i will be reborn
reclaimed

my pearls
mine
again.



c2007, JCP; no reprints without permission from blog owner

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Forgiving My Father

forgiving my father
lucille clifton

it is friday. we have come
to the paying of the bills.
all week you have stood in my dreams
like a ghost, asking for more time
but today is payday, payday old man;
my mother's hand opens in her early grave
and i hold it out like a good daughter.

there is no more time for you. there will
never be time enough daddy daddy old lecher
old liar. i wish you were rich so i could take it all
and give the lady what she was due
but you were the only son of a needy father,
the father of a needy son;
you gave her all you had
which was nothing. you have already given her
all you had.

you are the pocket that was going to open
and come up empty any friday.
you were each other's bad bargain, not mine.
daddy old pauper old prisoner, old dead man
what am i doing here collecting?
you lie side by side in debtors' boxes
and no accounting will open them up.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

M

he is scared, although he adamantly denies it. i can smell his fear through his words alone.

on the one hand, he tells me how he loves me and how he wants it to work so much. in the next breath, in case it doesn't work, he already talks of still working his ass off for his father's company, to secure a future for himself and "someone else" who will eventually come along. then, in the next breath, he talks about how i already have the qualities he, and everyone he knows agrees, needs and is anyone's dream. then, he shares how anyone too, would tell him that he can actually have the pick of any young lady with no kids... but then, he loves kids. yet, he also needs chemistry .... (as if he's already convinced himself we won't have chemistry!!!)

if i didn't know any better and if i didn't know him any better, i'd be definitely insulted.

but i just shake my head now, and smile. poor, sweet, darling man. all the aggravations i also put him through. having his own dad invest in his dream, here, just to be closer to me, and to have something to show to me he can be proud of.

***

i guess what makes me different from most people is, as a change/crisis looms, as long as i am mentally prepared for it (well, actually, even if i'm not), i get eeriely calm, like how it is in the eye of the storm. i muster up all my resources within me and i get really steely calm and cool. and even deathly quiet, unless i really have to speak up.

and this throws him off even more.

why am i not even worried about chemistry?

well, i know my magnetism (of course, i didn't tell him that). : ) and i trust in his.

because i know my heart and my gut well. (that's what i told him, of course. )

so, Love, here we come!

God bless and keep us both; help us get through this ordeal happily and successfully!!!

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Becoming My Desires

the desires we express have in themselves the seeds of change, and in our desiring, we are and must be becoming what we desire, too, because if we do not, then we don't experience what we desire.

i desired for a Soulmate kind of Love; now i've met a special person who i'm starting to have that kind of relationship with, but i'm finding out that it required changes IN ME, too, to live up to that kind of Love.

i desired for my children to grow authentic, independent-minded and compassionate, and now my just-turned-fourteen eldest is being more of her new, growing self, questioning almost all my parental practices. i can view that as conflict and war with a teen-ager; or i can view that as change, changing roles, and desires coming true thus necessitating my own change.

so what we Desire is not something we Get; it's something we Become, then something we Are.

and so, our Desires are Good; they are the catalysts for our Becoming.

i hope i make sense. : )

this is written at a little past midnight of Feb. 28 (so it's actually March 1 now), when i turn 39, but my real birthday (Feb. 29) is still a year away!

not my usual, well thought out and well written blog post. that's how one gets when the whole world misses one's real birthday, but one is still there, turning a year older...

twilight-zonish, to say the least.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

V, As It Happened

what do you know, "life is (indeed!) queer with its twists and turns"!

when i woke up today, i was half-grim, half-resigned to bear the whole day through for as long as i can, with as much grace as i can.

but now, at 12:20 am, after having just come home from a really great time out with two really very good friends of the heart and soul, and a day spent overseeing my campus writers' Visayas-wide fellowship and conducting a talk on Peace Journalism (for which i got paid 1500, what a valentine treat!), i actually think now i really had a HAPPY valentine's day, even without my Beloved here with me yet. (i miss M, yes, and i wish he were here with me now. but he is working hard for our dreams and our future together; throwing a tantrum just because of a short-term desire in exchange for long-term values is not the way to go to support him and our Love...)

today reaffirmed an old lesson hard-earned: my joy is mine to make, and my Love to give is so much bigger and grander and wider than can just be contained by any one person!

i am sooo loved too, by many people, each in their own unique, special and even eccentric ways, maybe not in the way that i expect or need to be loved at times, but loved in their own way still. and all i need to do is to be a joyful and appreciative receiver to take it all in, soak in it, bask in it and roll around in it!

and the best part is, days like today happen for me more often than just once-a-year valentines days!!! : D

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

V

i dread valentine’s day, like i always have.

it’s never been a day for lovers for me; it’s either i was in what i hoped would be a relationship, but not a relationship enough for the other party to even greet me a “happy valentine’s day” and make it special enough for the two of us (because in the other party’s mind, there is no “us”), or, the other party was too far away, or, i was with nobody at all.

this year, i am in what i finally think is my first real honest-to-goodness relationship… but, M has been travelling so much since last month, i’m not really sure if his present lifestyle has room for calls and emails that make him really present to me, not just out of obligation, and he is the most absent-minded person i know… so im setting my self up not to expect anything from him at all… : ( (hmmm… come to think of it, is it because i have been setting my self up all these years not to expect anything at all that i get nothing??? food for thought…but expecting more than nothing, and then not getting anything still, would even be more painful, especially since experience has not proven it otherwise…!)

i try to keep my chin up, appear nonchalant about it all, but deep inside, it hurts.

‘hurts so bad.

always on the outside looking in, i should be used to this by now. like a little girl peeking into the window of a candy store, drooling over the goodies inside, but never ever invited in.

oohh sure. people love me. there are my family, friends, kids, students, colleagues– im supposed to be popular and well-liked and admired… but who i need at this time is a Very Special Someone to share it with, for real.

i wish i could just sleep tonight and wake up to february 15. i do that for my birthday even, as feb. 29 comes only once every four years. why can’t i do that for valentine’s day?

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Goddess Ways

the point of divinity is creating life, and the naturally generative, sexual, joyful, erotic, nourishing, beautiful, connecting, loving parts of women (and men, who wake up to their powerful feminine parts) and Nature is divinity manifested.

the Divine has never been just masculine... (click on this link to watch the video "Divine Feminine")

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Edge of Time

sometimes i feel like a woman and a person, living on the edge of Time… neither here nor there, understanding everyone and everywhere, but none truly understanding me…

my closest friends of the heart, mind and soul, are people so much younger and so much older than i am; i have many acquaintances and so-called friends among people my age, yet somehow i cannot relate for long with their worldly concerns and crises… not that i haven’t had my share, if not more; it’s just that somewhere along the way of battling my own concerns and crises, i must have been thrown out of the loop into some other Timeless Place and consciousness … now i am still in this world yet not of it.

i can relate more with those old stories of the old hag/witch/sorceress/ goddess living at the edge of the woods, away from the villagers, yet whom the villagers go to for succor when their everyday lives are thrown out of keel.

and i can relate more, too, with my very young children, and their friends, looking at the world with awe and wonder but with not-so-fragile innocence now, still believing in and perennially open to possibilities, even where most others see none, still continually so curious and open-ended, disbelief and skepticism suspended, or permanently waived.

a woman friend who has recently been going through a marriage crisis with her husband shared with me that she thinks her husband is afraid of me. she says her husband said, “you know, there’s a thin line between J (me) and crazy!”

we laughed at that, and, after a few moments of silence, i told her her husband just paid me one of the best compliments ever.

and she understood. she said my combination of hellish life experiences yet my choosing to still remain trusting, open and painfully honest, added to my clear-seeing and intuition, probably spooks him, as it spooks her too, sometimes.

sometimes, though, i wish there was one other Soul i can share this with, one other Soul who understands perfectly, because he is like i am too, in many and essential ways…

maybe we can spook each other, for a change.