Monday, November 27, 2006

bumpy ride

so it's a bumpy ride for us right now. so we're having our first real stand-off after 5 months, taking time and space from each other just to be by our selves and go back to living our individual lives without getting into each other's nerves.

nope, it's not a fight. our last communication was loving, but agonized. talking didn't seem to help much anymore. so maybe, this time, silence is best.

pain is a good teacher, if you embrace it and look it in the eye long enough to learn from it.

for the 3 or 4 days now that we have not been communicating, i have not only been focusing on attending to the other parts of my life again, i have also been doing a lot of reflecting and journalizing and reading, and reviewing and studying all the resources i have collected so far, especially in the last two or three years, on creating happier, more loving, more dynamic relationships... : ) it's funny now when i realize how i have been collecting all these articles and quizzes for a long-lasting loving relationship and marriage, even long before i was in an honest-to-goodness one!!!

i guess i must have needed to collect these as sort of a treasure map, as guideposts to help me as i grew my self towards them.

i revisited an old haunt, Rinatta Paries' site, WhatItTakes.com, and reviewed my quiz results again and took some new ones. i just finished printing out and answering a Long-term Relationship and Marriage Quiz (one i never took before as i didn't feel qualified to answer it because i wasn't in such a relationship then), and my results are interesting.

generally, i garnered 88 checked points over 100 items, so that must be really very good now. but what made the results really interesting for me, though, was that the quiz asks you to review those sections where you got the lowest scores on, as those sections are intended to be your learning guide, the areas you still need to grow your self more on.

for me, i got a score of only 5 out of 10 in the section on How You Deal With Your Negative Feelings, and 6 out of 10 on Taking Care of Your Needs, which hit my personal issues right now bull's eye!!!

these are the areas i'm learning i still need to grow more of my self on now (the ones i answered False/did not check):

- I don't save up feelings, even when they seem minor, because then I would blow up when I get full.
- I voice my feelings even when I am afraid of scaring away my partner.
- I try to discuss feelings when they come up.
- I have a right to my feelings and never have to justify how I feel.
- I have a responsibility to not use my feelings as weapons against my partner.
- I do not punish my partner when he/she is unable or unwilling to be there for me.
- I do not punish myself or think badly of myself when my partner is not able or willing to take care of my needs.
- I know that it's not personal when my partner is unable or unwilling to take care of my needs.
- I do not have a problem asking my partner and other safe people, repeatedly if needed, to meet my needs.

so i have my work cut out for me; i have things to do and work on inside even if it appears like there's nothing happening on the outside. : ) when we get back to talking again, my Beloved will be prouder of me, and who i have further grown my self into! : D

despite the pain of being somehow "separated" from my Beloved right now (although i don't really feel separated, because even in the silence, he is there with me... : > ), i thank God for this Love and Friendship i have come into, because it stretches me, and refines me, and makes me strive to become the best and finest person i can be.

there are necessary pains, like this one, which have to do with growing up, and there are unnecessary pains, like the ones i've had before, which were, at their very best, manipulative and dark and confusing; and, at their very worst, even abusive and toxic to my overall emotional, psychological, physical and even spiritual health!

i thank God i have come to this blessed place at last.

God help me be worthy. And God help me do it right this time.

God bless my Beloved, too, that he will find his own clearer way through all these, and that we will only come out stronger, wiser, finer, and more in love with each other still (which i have no doubt now is the likeliest thing happening!!!)!!!

God bless M and i, and our Love and Friendship... and Marriage, someday soon. : )

Sunday, November 26, 2006

the ugly, horrible me

'tis true what i have been reading lately, that it is precisely when you are most in love and want to present your best, blooming self that you are feeling most vulnerable, and your ugliest, smallest self comes out too, because as your heart and soul open forgotten spaces for all the good feelings, these same spaces are also the avenues through which all your past, buried, ancient hurts, pains and fears rise up.

so it has been happening lately that as My Love is focusing more of his attention and energies on really working hard to make our dreams come true soon, i have started feeling neglected and pouty and scared and resentful and even jealous of his work that's taking his time and attention away from me. : (

i try to rationalize with my self that his is the wiser course and that i should do my best to be the positive, cheerful and supportive partner, but some little part of me rises up and demands his love and attention now and all of it.

so, the other day i threw a tantrum, despite my best self. it just came up. and he expressed how he felt so tortured and agonized, knowing he was causing all my hurting, and how do i have better suggestions other than the course he was already taking and doing?

that jarred me back to my senses, although it did not keep the little girl in me from holding her ground and pouting and sulking and resenting his work still...

i managed to put up a good positive front, though, and released him from his torture.

still, i realize now that these are my own inner issues i have to deal with, on my own, and my own inner work to do.

i thought i have long moved on and healed from these issues, but apparently, they are still there, waiting to be brought up at the slightest provocation, and asking to be healed, so i can be made more whole again.

it mainly has to do with my fear of abandonment i guess. at the slightest hint that a special loved one is turning their attention away from me for a while to focus on other things in their lives, this feeling of being neglected summons forth these fears-- of being abandoned, of being unworthy and not good enough, of being unlovable and unloved.

i guess they stem from a long-ago childhood of an unstable home life and erratic and confusing signs of love and affection. mainly, my way of coping has been to shut down and act cool, fortify my self against the vagaries of life, love and human nature. but when a button is pushed (usually through signs of being left alone to be on my own when i don't want to be on my own), i get really mad, even furious, even raging furious, and i start to act all whiny and needy and saccharine sweet manipulative alternating with cold withdrawing power-tripping...

so really infantile.

so really downright small, ugly and horrible.

: ( : ( : (

i am so ashamed of my self at times like these, and i wonder how anyone can still ever put up with me and keep on loving me.

: ( : ( : (

at times like these, i just wish to hide deep into my deepest self, and never come out again.