Sunday, November 26, 2006

the ugly, horrible me

'tis true what i have been reading lately, that it is precisely when you are most in love and want to present your best, blooming self that you are feeling most vulnerable, and your ugliest, smallest self comes out too, because as your heart and soul open forgotten spaces for all the good feelings, these same spaces are also the avenues through which all your past, buried, ancient hurts, pains and fears rise up.

so it has been happening lately that as My Love is focusing more of his attention and energies on really working hard to make our dreams come true soon, i have started feeling neglected and pouty and scared and resentful and even jealous of his work that's taking his time and attention away from me. : (

i try to rationalize with my self that his is the wiser course and that i should do my best to be the positive, cheerful and supportive partner, but some little part of me rises up and demands his love and attention now and all of it.

so, the other day i threw a tantrum, despite my best self. it just came up. and he expressed how he felt so tortured and agonized, knowing he was causing all my hurting, and how do i have better suggestions other than the course he was already taking and doing?

that jarred me back to my senses, although it did not keep the little girl in me from holding her ground and pouting and sulking and resenting his work still...

i managed to put up a good positive front, though, and released him from his torture.

still, i realize now that these are my own inner issues i have to deal with, on my own, and my own inner work to do.

i thought i have long moved on and healed from these issues, but apparently, they are still there, waiting to be brought up at the slightest provocation, and asking to be healed, so i can be made more whole again.

it mainly has to do with my fear of abandonment i guess. at the slightest hint that a special loved one is turning their attention away from me for a while to focus on other things in their lives, this feeling of being neglected summons forth these fears-- of being abandoned, of being unworthy and not good enough, of being unlovable and unloved.

i guess they stem from a long-ago childhood of an unstable home life and erratic and confusing signs of love and affection. mainly, my way of coping has been to shut down and act cool, fortify my self against the vagaries of life, love and human nature. but when a button is pushed (usually through signs of being left alone to be on my own when i don't want to be on my own), i get really mad, even furious, even raging furious, and i start to act all whiny and needy and saccharine sweet manipulative alternating with cold withdrawing power-tripping...

so really infantile.

so really downright small, ugly and horrible.

: ( : ( : (

i am so ashamed of my self at times like these, and i wonder how anyone can still ever put up with me and keep on loving me.

: ( : ( : (

at times like these, i just wish to hide deep into my deepest self, and never come out again.
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