Friday, March 03, 2006

divine courage (a.k.a. venting with a will)

it's a friday afternoon, and i should be looking forward to a relaxing weekend to do with as i please.

but no, we have MA classes tomorrow, and i plan on doing the 3- or 4-part online assignment tonight and submit it before classes start tomorrow.

then, too, while driving home, the kids were asking me about my schedule tomorrow, as paolo has his taekwondo classes at 10am, while thea needs to go to school at 2pm for her club rehearsals. that means my going in and out of class to bring them to their activities and fetching them again, the usual multi-tasking routine. sigh. but thinking about it right now makes me feel tired already. so i'll think about it tomorrow, as Scarlett O'Hara would say.

or i wouldnt even think about it at all, and just do it, like Nike advises.

sigh.

im mostly feeling down going home because of a recent development at work. my thesis students keep coming to me complaining that our Dean is making it hard for them to get their theses signed for bookbinding, when their defense panelists and Department Chair have signed already. the Dean keeps telling them that she's not satisfied yet with their work so she won't sign, but she doesn't say specifically, too, which part she wants improved or changed, and how.

yes, this is the same Dean who made my administrative life hell before as a Department Chair, too, with her policies in progress which change according to whim, and her overly conscientious stickling for form over substance.

i am tempted to tell her off and get on with it, yet still, she is the Dean, because she is the one with the PhD.

so im feeling helpless and frustrated and mad.

her signing is really just for bookbinding; the students have earned their grades already since their panelists have signed their theses, so they're still candidates for graduation. i checked the thesis guidelines too; there's nothing there that says they can't graduate if their theses aren't signed by the Dean.

so maybe the wiser option is just to let her get entangled on her own web of confusion that she has created.

sigh.

this just strengthens my resolve all the more to get away from the university as soon as i can.

meanwhile, before writing this blog, i was spiralling towards the depth of another mini-depression again. but while writing this, realizing that even if i presently cant even muster my usual good cheer and faith in things turning out for good in the end, i still have my stubbornness, my steel will, to summon, in times like this.

ive read somewhere long ago that stubbornness is divine courage in so many ways. when all things point to giving up, when even your very cells say you can't go on with all the BS around you, you can still muster your last recourse and resource, your will, to push on ahead anyway despite of and inspite of what's going on. and when you do, divine grace comes to aid you in your resolve.

so that's what im feeling now, as i end this post. i will still go ahead with my plans for tonight and tomorrow and the weeks and the months to come anyway, and not let flies in the ointment like this, which are basically caused by the pettiness and smallmindedness of other people, to get me down, or to distract me from what i am about.
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