Tuesday, February 14, 2006

last night's dream

i have to write this down before it slips away into the mists (fog?) of my busy day. ive just come back home for breakfast, after trying to take my youngest to school in my car, but having the car stall in the middle of the road, then taking a taxi to continue and finish the trip, then asking the taxi to wait for me and take me to an atm machine because i just found out i only had 20 pesos in my wallet, then treating my self to an airconditioned taxi ride back home, so i could try starting the car again (it stalled near our home)... and thankfully, the car did start this time, that's why im able to get home for breakfast. whew!

okay, here was the dream that suddenly woke me up at 4am and left me feeling bothered... i know what it means but i don't understand why it has me feeling bothered--

the kids and i were in cebu to visit Aunt Bea. we had a wonderful time there. on the day of our flight back home, she took out all her old clothes, shoes and bags to give to me; but knowing Aunt Bea, her "old" things aren't really old, as they're only worn once or twice and kept and maintained very well. i enjoyed sorting through all her womanly stuff, and taking out the ones for the kids too (there were "old" girls' things outgrown by her own daughters)-- perfumes, bags, silk scarves, feminine dresses that showed off one's sensuality at the same time...

but then i remembered we had a flight to take back home. she told me not to worry. i thought it was to be at 9 in the morning. she said she had it moved to 245pm; and when i checked our tickets, indeed it was to be at 245pm.

but it was already 1pm and i wasnt done sorting and packing yet. then she told me there were still more downstairs.

i came down a loong and elegant flight of stairs wearing one of her dresses which i had been trying on, but unzipped at the back, and all these many people were watching me appreciatively. it was like a church congregation and me coming down from some altar like a goddess.

although i felt flattered, i felt embarassed and shy, too, and unready. and i was worried about the kids and i missing our flight.

as i went to one of the pews with open boxes of more womanly stuff in it, some women assisted me in sorting through them and oohing and ahhhing over the beautiful trinkets and fabrics. a man with a mustache tried to introduce himself to me by saying, "And who's this new chick? i haven't seen her before."

i extended my hand in a dignified way, smiled at him and said, "i am not a 'chick', sir. i am Jeanette.'" and he felt embarassed by my ladylike rebuke.

i looked down to see some Barbie dresses for my youngest daughter and scooped them up, even while i tried maintaining my hold on all the dresses and stuff i had already in my arms.

we should be going home now, although i didnt want to go home.

it was at this point that i woke up.

*****

what the dream means?

well, it's quite obvious and it resonates with me-- im changing, not so much changing to be somebody not me, but changing into somebody more me. thus, the new clothes and stuff, etc. to reflect the new me.

the aunt in the dream is the Wise Old Woman or the cronish wildish feminine spirit in me, guiding me in my transformation intro true goddessness (coming down from the altar : > ), although im still feeling shy and embarassed about it even as i delight in it.

i don't understand, though, my preoccupation with going home.

maybe my need to also go back to my comfort zone, who i was before? hmmmm....

hmmmm.


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