Tuesday, January 24, 2006


it is soo easy to despair, when one finally musters the courage to look at the blood-and-gore destruction in one's life, and finally see-- promises unfulfilled, hopes dashed, dreams killed, illusions broken.

today has not been easy.

ive re-started my Silva meditations, just to feel better... but going so deep within opens up a lot of hitherto closed and secret chambers of your heart and soul. letting the light in, yes, but also letting the darkness out.

i started out well enough with good intentions, to be extra gentle with my self today even as i go about my life and work, but the kids and i overslept. i woke up to the sound of the ex's car horn impatiently honking outside. i told the maid to just get the kids' allowances from him, as i will be the one to take the two older ones to school, as well as the youngest one too.

it was a dark and cold rainy morning earlier today, and waking the reluctant kids up was a struggle. they wanted to continue cuddling up together and sleep. i decided i will not unduly stress my self out even more by going against the tide. so we all self-declared a holiday for ourselves today, and just stay cocooned at home.

since they were all still asleep, i figured id do my Silva meditations then. it was good, it was wonderful, calming and relaxing, as it always is. but when i went out of the meditative state and stretched to "fully wake up", i felt a painful twitch at the back of my neck when i raised my head to stretch it back.

it was so painful that for twenty seconds or so, i couldn't move as i just let the wave of pain crest and subside.

when the pain subsided, i decided id go back to bed and rest instead, after informing my students that we won't be meeting today.

sleep didn't bring much rest, as snippets of conversations and snatches of images from the past haunted me even as i moved this way and that to shoo them away. i kept waking up in a half-dreaming, half-awake state, and then id find my self tearing up and crying silent tears. it didnt help that the kids decided to camp out in our bedroom where i was trying to get some rest; i asked them many times to move to the other airconditioned bedroom but they said they wanted to be near me.

do kids sense when you need comforting, too?

still, their prattle and little noisy arguments were more an irritant than a comfort this time.


it is 2pm now, and i just woke up again. this time from a stab of pain slicing through the back of my neck. at the same time, i was jarred by the image of when i last felt such pain, in the same place.

it was may 1998, two weeks after i gave birth to our second child and only son.

i had a high fever then, but it was to be the last day of the grace period for paying my insurance premium. i asked him to make the payment for me on his way to work, but he said he was too busy, that i should just pay it my self, or let the insurance lapse. : (

so despite my burning fever, i dressed and went out to pay. i was feeling groggy and headachy and feverish by the time i hailed a taxi to take me home, as the car stalled earlier in the garage that morning and wouldn't budge. my breasts were full with milk too, and were as feverish from the engorgement. there was pain everywhere in my body.

i remember thinking how the black taxi i hailed looked almost like a hearse, just before i got in. but oh well, i wanted to go home more than i wanted to wait for another nicer-looking taxi.

it happened at the intersection leading to the entrance of our subdivision gate. the taxi paused at the intersection to let cars coming from the opposite side to pass before it turned left to enter the subdivision gate.

as it turned left, i suddenly saw this big pick-up truck rushing towards us, honking hard. my last thought was, ohh it can't stop.

i don't remember much after that except that people told me later the taxi was crushed so bad as the pick-up rammed into its entire side, the side i was sitting on. luckily for me, i must have instinctively bent down, with my head pushing into the cushiony back of the driver's seat, as that's how they found me, thrown onto the other side of the taxi.

i vaguely remember people putting me into another taxi to take me to the hospital, and i also remember telling the taxi driver to take me home instead.

the maid and my eldest daughter, who was only five then, told me that i walked like a zombie when they opened the gate for me. i stared glassily and walked straight to the bedroom to lie down and curl up and sleep.

the maid told me how my eldest daughter followed me and climbed into bed with me, and that's when she saw the scratches on my arms and body and legs, and even tried to put a band aid on one really ugly scratch on my ankle. then she remembered to dial the only numbers she memorized, my parents-in-laws' house, and talked to her grandmother then, who confirmed what happened from the maid (the maid is illiterate, doesn't even know how to dial).

my parents-in-law quickly came to pick me up and bring me to the hospital for tests.

it was not a very good day. on the way to the hospital, there was a car accident, and some man's body was hauled out and put on the back of a passing motored-tricycle. i remembered how my very sensitive mother-in-law cried out and covered her face from the bloodied man whose arms and legs were hanging out of the tricycle we were following.

anyway, the tests proved okay, i was just a little shocked, the doctors said, but physically okay, except for the few scratches and my painful neck, for which i was given some medicines to take. my parents-in-law brought me home, and i climbed back to bed to finally get some sleep.

he arrived home from his out-of-town work late in the afternoon, and i could hear the maid and our daughter greeting him and beginning to tell him what happened to me earlier that day.

he burst into our room, but his first words were-- our budget is ruined! how much did the hospital bill cost?

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