Tuesday, January 24, 2006

my grief, my anger

j thinks my grief is over the fact that my marriage has legally and is sacramentally ending, and that i still harbor some love lost over the past.

j thinks that i am jealous because the ex is publicly announcing that he is getting married soon.

it is taking many explanations and many assurances that it is not so, but in the course of the many explanations and many assurances, i am seeing it more clearly now too, thanks to j--

my grief is over a grave injustice not yet righted.

i endured the horrors of a ten-year loveless marriage, mustered the courage enough to leave it and speak my truth. and yet, when it came to the civil annulment proceedings, because the ex filed it, of course it was to be my fault. i couldn't afford an attorney then to represent me through the costly proceedings, especially as the ex has been mean with his sporadic child support; but neither could i qualify for public aid, as my official income goes beyond the "official poverty line". so legally speaking, although i was the one victimized, i had to swallow sh_t just to set my self free, too.

now here comes the church annulment petition, and it is the same sh_t all over again.

***

still, i did not and do not take sh_t anymore, too bad for them.

during the psychiatric investigations, i was able to convince the psychiatrist, who openly admitted his dilemma on who to cite as "psychologically incapacitated" (the only loophole grounds for civil annulment here in my country; and the law is funny-- you're psychologically incapacitated only in terms of how you relate to the ex-spouse, not in terms of how you relate to other people!), to consider citing us BOTH instead. i did my research and studied my annulment law before i visited the psychiatrist. so i knew i was on solid ground in my sales pitch to him.

thankfully, the psychiatrist followed my request. he happens to be the husband of my former classmate and group-mate in MBA class, too.

the ex's family might have the money and legal connections, but i still have the charm. : )

***

writing about this this way now, it doesn't seem so grievous anymore.

the anger is back, but it is the righteous, holy kind of anger now-- clean and pure.
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