Monday, October 24, 2005

this life i live

at times like right now, i shake my head at the kind of life i live.

there's a measure of stability now, more or less, but moments still come up when, because of my inherent good faith in things working out, and my creative open nature, i do things at the last minute (but perform oh so well!), causing me and those around me both anxiety and thrill at how i will be able to orchestrate things in perfect timing so that they turn out well... at the last minute.

i promised a friend today a long overdue date to a mongolian buffet lunch and a spa massage treat, in "payment" for her being so good to me last May, when, also because of my last-minute habit, the flight we were both going to take for a speaking engagement i was going to and which she was going to assist in, bumped her off in favor of me, because we both lost our seats coming in after check-in deadline.

i did schedule today weeks ago. and i did schedule today to use some funds from a writing project i did and earned weeks ago. however, i deposited the check only last thursday, but the bank teller did tell me it was going to be cleared today.

i am getting fidgety now, though-- the funds haven't cleared yet, and im down to my last P20... although i have my butterfly biz commission of around 40k hopefully coming in via bank transfer by noon today, too.

so, it's another magic act to orchestrate. it is both exhilirating yet wearying on the nerves, too, this "dangerous" life i live. : (

next time i will do better. my friend deserves more from me than this. : (

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Slipping

i feel him
growing silent
slipping away...

my heart trembles
still i stay.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Missing

i'm missing somebody i care for deeply so bad, it's making me cry.

people i see everywhere around me have their loves with them; why don't i?

: (

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Time

to get my self off my blahs before, it occurred to me that maybe i wasnt managing my time well enough, or why would i go on spurts of activity then plateaus of inactivity just recovering from the intensity of the activity in almost predictable cycles, and feeling guilty and "not so accomplished" about it all.

so i surfed for "time management" guidelines and skills to learn about and acquire, and i immediately started on the first step recommended -- do a time management audit. in a time audit, you're supposed to just record your time and what you do with it, and how you're feeling while you're doing it. at the end of an audit period-- a week or a month-- you begin to be more conscious of where and how you're spending your time and you're supposed to point out several "time wasters" which could free up more time for you to do more useful things.

i did my time audit in only 3 days, first because i had to go on two out-of-town trips soon after, and my time audit record was stored here on the home pc, and i wasnt bringing my laptop along either. second, and most importantly, i think it has served its use in only 3 days of my keeping track of how i use my time.

it was an eye opener for me to see my self spending 16 to 19 hour workdays, not just working on my regular day job teaching and checking papers and consulting with students, but also on my freelance projects, as well as taking care of my three children and home and my self all by my self, with a little support from a maid and the kids themselves. and in those 16 to 19 hour days, i had very little time for "personal care" things, as most of my time were spent just working and producing output for other people! no wonder i feel so tired and need to recharge for many days after one of my intense projects are over.

instead of making me see where i was "wasting" my time, though, i began to appreciate my self a little more with my time audit. i could see that i was doing all the things in line with my major life goals, not wasting any precious second, even milking it and stretching it for all it's worth, doing two to three things multitasking at almost the same time.

i began to see that what i was wasting, though, were my precious energies feeling guilty about not finishing all that i've set out to do in a day, and bashing my self for being such a "failure".

i began to see that with my already full-packed, fully-used days, i was actually overstuffing my To Dos for a day, and whatever can't be fit into a day actually doesn't need to be done that day, that it could afford to wait for another day or two, and that the world won't end if i let them wait.

i finally began to see that i actually am a very good manager of my time; it's more of the good management of my energies that i need to practice more about...

i've already learned to set my boundaries with people long ago; and i've learned to avoid negative, energy-draining people.

now, it's time for me to focus on becoming more of my own best friend by letting go of guilt and self-bashing when i am not able to accomplish all i've set out to do in a day... to learn more self-compassion.... self-acceptance... and truer and fuller self-Love, at last.