Thursday, September 22, 2005

gone are my Depo days

my cellphone beeps to remind me that today is supposed to be my 3-month "renewal" of my Depo Provera shots.

i used to look forward to going to the clinic for my shots, convinced that it was a sign of my empowerment, my ability to take care of my self and be responsible for my self even as i seek out my pleasures and fulfill my needs, without having to worry about untimely consequences.

but today, i am feeling hesitant... more like refusing now, actually.

there was a time when i needed to have the shots because i was actively pleasure-seeking, and i didnt have to worry about creating consequences i did not really want beyond the passing pleasure of the moment.

but today, it is different. for quite some time, i have not been as actively pleasure-seeking as before, because i noticed an inner shift in me-- a shift towards more depth and meaning, even in my pleasure-seeking. i more strongly long for deeper, more lasting joys now; it assumes more power now over that part of me willing to risk lasting joys for passing pleasures.

then, too, i think that NOT renewing my shots today would act like an automatic "control" mechanism, holding me back from situations i would have otherwise usually just jumped into before, knowing i didnt have serious consequences to worry about. so, holding back would be good for me, in the light of what i want now.

also, i think my body needs the rest. it would be good for my body to resume its natural cycles again, getting in sync with Nature's rhythms the way it was always been meant to be...

i just surfed for Depo Provera in Google right now, and my readings somehow confirm the "rightness" of my decision -- it is good for the short term, but not as a lifestyle.

somehow, today, for the first time in a very long time, NOT renewing my shots feels more right to me than renewing it.

besides, there is a Love i am holding my self out for, now, too... : )

for the first time in a long time, i am both right and happy now.

oh, how far i've come...!

Sunday, September 18, 2005

not so together today

i woke up troubled from a dream where i learned i won the NCCA Writers Prize 2005, but that i lost the letter confirming my winnings. i searched and searched in my dream but i never found it, even until i woke up.

i woke up to find it's already 6am, when i only meant to sleep until the little ones fell asleep last night, and wake up again at around midnight to do my paperwork backlog... and now, im feeling guilty and feeling like a failure for not waking up at midnight as i planned to. : (

i read a subscription email on resolving unconscious conflicts through free-writing and i guess that's what i'm doing right now. just freely writing to feel better, at least.

i read another subscription email about a woman's beautiful wedding by an old stone church and a countryside garden, and seeing the name of her groom as the name of the man i love too, i burst out in tears... i love him, i miss him, but he is so far away. and how can we ever get married?... will i still marry someday?... do i still even dream? : (

another subscription email on men and women and masculinity and femininity from a spiritual perspective confirmed what i've learned for my self already; it was a nice read, especially that part where the author said a man is most tested in his ability to love a woman, in how he treats her... and that part about women's power of invitation, just by being women.

it's a cloudy, dark sunday morning, and i am feeling the same.

i am missing something.... somebody... and life is a drag. : (

the past is over, the future is still being formed, and today, i just want be numb to it all. i guess i am just sooo tired and weary from all this living and learning and knowing and struggling...

i wish i could just let it all hang, and let somebody else be responsible for a while, take care of me for a while. i wish to just snuggle and cuddle and not even think about a care, not have to be responsible for anything or anybody else but my own pleasure...

i wish to just go away and hide, and be nobody, but just be me.

sigh.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Change

my life is changing now; i feel it in my bones and in the circumstances around me.

gone are the days of day-to-day struggling just to survive, living on the edge by my guts and wit and creativity, fueled by the fire of my anger at past injustices, and my own pride and sense of dignity and self-preservation. those were the days when being strongly assertive and taking the proverbial bull by the horns moved things for me, worked things out for me...

but these days, as i get out of survival mode and find my life filled with new people im meeting who are helping me get trained and earn in so many more ways, i see with my inner eye how i need to move on and move ahead with a new kind of fire now-- the fire of tact and diplomacy and patience and gentle persuasion and tolerance and... trust.

it's taking some time and not a few "aftershocks" getting used to this new kind of being and behaving. sometimes i miss the hungry, angry years. they were strenous and stressful but they were all ive come to know and become good at.

these days, learning to relax into trust and non-anxiety, to let things and people be and trust that it will all work out anyway even without my pushing so hard, still takes some time getting comfortable in, but i guess it is the way to go now.

i feel half-lost sometimes, guilty even (why am i not striving so hard? why am i not doing more?). for the past days, i've even gotten into some kind of depression, feeling like im not so good at things anymore, but the old ways do not work either, and im still finding out what the new ways should be. there's a sense of loss for an old part of me, and that old part of me reappears sometimes, over petty and trivial matters, just so i can get a sense of control and "hold" over "reality" as it is happening now...

... in many ways, the "better times" i am experiencing are also bringing their own kind of stress, and i still can't get over the newness of it all! : O

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Jeanette

recently, i've started using my baptismal name in my email accounts; the last time i used it was when i was in kindergarten 32 years ago, before the primary school i was enrolling for grade one in asked for my birth certificate, and the birth certificate my parents found in the local civil registry gave me another name instead, the other name i have been using since then : ( , although cousins and friends from childhood still call me "Jeanette" ...

somehow, though, using "Jeanette" again feels perfectly right, with my new life now, reclaiming my self and my life back from the clutches of a horribly wrong marriage and a spiritually deadening administrative career.

i say my name out loud to myself now, rolling it on my tongue like candy... and i find it deliciously sweet. the feeling is both of depth and height at the same time, like earning a purple heart for a battle long and nobly fought and won.

i plan to start using "Jeanette" whenever i can now, mostly as a pen name for my stories and my books. once ive established my name in the mainstream, i also plan to legally change my name and all my legal records someday soon...

"Jeanette" was the name i was blessed with, so "Jeanette" will be the name i will use from now on as i move on with my magnificently blessed life now, so blessed in many and all ways! : )

i am coming home to me, at last... and for good.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

40

my life has already begun now, but these are the details of my vision for my life at 40, and onwards:

- "retire" from my day job and work from home earning comfortably (at least P1million a month net income which is continually and exponentially growing, too!) from my writing, research, consultancy, speaking and online business projects;

- live with my family in a beautiful, charming and cozy two-storey filipino-spanish style home amidst wide open spaces with lush greenery all around, with a flower garden in front, an herb garden at the sides, and a vegetable garden at the back;

- on weekends, live with my family in a beautiful filipino-spanish style cottage by the beach or a river or a lake, also amidst wide open spaces and surrounded by lush greenery and flower, herb and vegetable gardens;

- drive around a red sports utility vehicle (SUV) for the kids and i, and a lemon yellow sports car/convertible for me : );

- travel around the country and all over the world with my Love and my kids for vacations twice or thrice each year or whenever we feel like it, and when i take them with me on my speaking engagements and conferences;

- be an internationally-acclaimed and published, best selling and well-loved author of children's and other books which become classics soon after and outlive me and my lifetime;

- share good loving and life and experiences and lessons learned, and enjoy good lovemaking and embarking on fun adventures with the Love of my life : > !

- enjoy good food, good conversations, good coffee, art, music, the theatre, hiking, scuba diving, belly dance, aikido, learning new and more things with my Love, and sometimes, with other friends, too;

- continue being fit and healthy and looking and feeling my best, by taking the best care of my self physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually!

"So it is written, so it shall be done!" : )