Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Brewing

i truly do not want to go back to work yet. i am not ready for the topside world yet. this, despite a long weekend of having an additional free day off on friday last week for a spiritual recollection, and another free day off yesterday because of the transport strike.

i know it defies logic and i am being belligerent and i should really be at work later today. but i don't want to...

well, for one there are the papers i have to correct, which until this hour, still makes my mind go blank when i face them. so im not prepared to meet my students yet.

for another, i feel, deep inside, that im not done with my inner work yet, my little transformations that happen every time i go inside my self, look deep, look at my darkness and shine loving light on them, lick my self cleaner, heal my wounds, brew my magic...

it is 230am and i just woke up from some little dreams that left me feeling bothered, too--

i dreamt that i told somebody i don't intend to continue teaching for long; that i'd rather stay at home and work and earn from my freelance writing projects instead;

i dreamt too, that i was in Boracay with my son. Boracay had greatly changed for the worse--more stalls, more girlie bars and massage parlors... and when it came time to go, i couldn't find my car. my son and i kept looking everywhere and back again but i couldn't find my car! how would we get home?

then there was a middle-aged man, somebody known and respected in our community, who was talking to me and some other people, about how these marriage enrichment seminars have become like a wave sweeping people on, how almost all couples in their place now are scheduled for a seminar in the coming days... and i was thinking, "yeah, more brainwashing!"

*****

this witch is not coming out of her cave for more magic yet. potions are only half-brewed.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

body wisdom

i stuck to my original decision last night and self-declared another day of "emergency leave" for me today.

i thought, at the back of my mind, that i could use my reclaimed free time today to do productive things anyway, like checking papers and doing grades... but my body rebelled.

every time i started gearing up for the task, my mind went blank and i would automatically feel both head-achy and sleepy!!!

so i put aside all intellectual protestations and submitted to my body's needs anyway. all i did today was do pleasurable things for my self-- doing online stuff, sleeping, just sitting around musing... then sleeping again, while of course fulfilling my minimum obligations like bringing the children to and from school.

i am feeling a little better now.

the body has its own way of sorting things out, i am learning, and one has got to trust the process.

then, too... making love twice to my man today, even if only in our minds, helps move the healing along a little faster. : )

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Beseiged

my brother texts me to tell me he's worried about our dad, how our dad's mistress is making it really difficult for him to let go of her despite my dad's having actually personally found out about her shenanigans and stealing from the business. she wears him down with her daily hysterics and threats and drama and violence against him, so much so that his doctor has advised him to go back to his heart patches again--- this, after undergoing a million and a half pesos five-stent angioplasty fix-up just three months ago!!!

then my sister tells me that maybe i should talk to the mistress since im the one quite good at dealing with all sorts of people and conflict...

i remember a time not so long ago when i was a pariah in the family, for refusing to kowtow to our father when he brought his mistress to our house to live with us, now that our mother was away in the States. i was made to feel like the baddest person on earth, for "dishonoring" our father and "not respecting" him enough by adamantly refusing to live with his terms of having us all in one house and me taking care of our family business so everybody gets to enjoy his/her life by living off the fat from the business, except me.

i remember a time not so long ago when i warned him and everyone that not only is the situation very wrong, but that the kind of person the mistress is is bad news for the family.

but nobody listened; i was even cast out.

and now, this, they all come to me for help.
they all come to me to clean up their mess.
as usual.

they don't know i am done with playing the role of martyr and savior.
that was another life ago.

*****

now my mom shares with me how difficult her dialysis treatment is getting to be for her to be able to do her normal activities. i long and ache to be with her in the States, but the memory of getting refused by the US embassy for a tourist visa twice, just because i was honest (and stupid?) enough to declare my real income and net worth (what did they expect from a middle class struggling 37 year old separated woman and single parent?), still makes me fume in disgust.

here i was really intending to just go visit her and be there for her for her operations -- first, for her breast removal because of stage 4 breast cancer, next for both her triple heart bypass and the start of her dialysis treatment all in the same month -- but the embassy refused me saying i didnt have enough "financial resources" to show i won't be overstaying there. that is the stupidest logic ever. if i didnt have enough financial resources on my own to stay there in the first place, i would never even dream of overstaying, especially with my three young kids back here!!!

*****

and then, earlier tonight, the ex called, only to tell me to talk to our son's teacher about a certain classmate who socked him in the groin three days ago. i was calm in explaining how the matter has been settled, but he insisted i should talk to the teacher again, sounding as if i wasn't doing enough as a good mother should. i just lamely said, "i'll see... i'm not feeling too well lately..."

and only belatedly do i get hold of my anger at his hypocritical self-righteousness. i should have told him what i really thought and felt, "if you're such a concerned parent, why don't YOU go talk to the teacher your self??? i already do enough for three kids alone, without your help!!!"

*****

and now, here comes the man i love, who innocently shares with me a little harmless flirtation from his past... because he was feeling safe and loving and intimate with me...

... and i just fall apart with all-consuming jealousy.

*****

i haven't been at work in the last two days, telling my students im on "emergency leave" for a "sickness in the family"...

i think i'll make it three.

this is just tooo much to take right now.

i want to climb into my shell again and hide.

somebody, make the hurting stop, please!

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Goodbyes

it is very telling how people handle goodbyes; they reveal their true maturity or childishness, nobility of character or just plain crassness.

while working here on the pc, with my yahoo set to invisible, a friend whom i thought i was fast falling for a few months ago suddenly messaged me again. we had a falling out some time ago because when the feelings got too intense, he bailed out by saying he didnt want to get serious. but i knew how seriously he was falling from the frequent calls he made, and how he even spoke of taking me with him, and having babies and a family ...

anyway, here is how the sudden "reunion" conversation went:

HIM (7:20 PM): remember me?
HIM (7:23 PM): BUZZ!!!
me (7:25:15 PM): yes
me (7:25:29 PM): the guy who only wanted to play
HIM (7:25:37 PM): ic
HIM (7:25:53 PM): still upset?
me (7:26:05 PM): ive moved on, A
HIM (7:26:11 PM): goood
HIM (7:26:34 PM): why did u write me apology then?
me (7:27:01 PM): well i thought maybe some of the words i said were unfair
HIM (7:27:08 PM): okay
HIM (7:27:27 PM): i never played with u
HIM (7:27:36 PM): my telephone got disconnected
HIM (7:28:25 PM): u there?
HIM (7:28:37 PM): ur dad is ok?
me (7:28:39 PM): sorry im busy with something
me (7:28:48 PM): yes he is better now thank you
HIM (7:28:58 PM): okay
HIM (7:29:01 PM): take care
HIM (7:29:06 PM): bye
me (7:29:07 PM): thank you
me (7:29:10 PM): bye
HIM (7:29:36 PM): u dont wish to talk to me anymore right?
me (7:29:52 PM): we dont seem to have compatible goals, do we?
HIM (7:30:27 PM): first let us meet
me (7:30:38 PM): im sorry
HIM (7:30:50 PM): u dont want to meet me too?
me (7:31:10 PM): there is somebody special and serious in my life now. i wouldnt want to hurt him
HIM (7:31:18 PM): oh okay
HIM (7:31:26 PM): can i see u on cam for last time then?
me (7:31:34 PM): sorry
HIM (7:31:43 PM): ok good luckkkk
me (7:31:47 PM): thank you
HIM (7:31:54 PM): am removing from u messenger
HIM (7:31:56 PM): bye
me (7:31:57 PM): sure
me (7:31:59 PM): no problem
me (7:32:00 PM): bye
HIM (7:32:07 PM): dont write me at my email pls
HIM (7:32:09 PM): thanks
HIM (7:32:12 PM): bye and bye
me (7:32:19 PM): whatever gave you the idea! (rolling eyes emoticon)
HIM (7:32:54 PM): u are not my type...I dont want a promiscious person.
me (7:33:02 PM): yes sure (smiley)
me (7:33:06 PM): sour grapes (more smileys)
HIM (7:33:06 PM): bye
HIM (7:33:09 PM): no
HIM (7:33:16 PM): too ugly for me
me (7:33:16 PM): i hope you get exactly what you deserve
HIM (7:33:28 PM): u are too ugly looking for me.
me (7:33:35 PM): (more smileys)
HIM (7:33:42 PM): and u think u are Ms Philippines
HIM (7:33:45 PM): bye
me (7:33:58 PM): (more and more smileys)
me (7:34:05 PM): you are hurt
HIM (7:34:09 PM): no
me (7:34:11 PM): your character shows
me (7:34:15 PM): i was right
me (7:34:18 PM): goodbye
me (7:34:26 PM): you are blocked now too
HIM (7:34:27 PM): my character is better than urs


oh, sure.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

the way to me

sometimes i play hide and seek with my self.

i've been in a funk lately, with the doldrums setting in, and feeling a growing sense of worthlessness and incompentency from having so many items in my To Do list for the day left unchecked. to make my self feel a little bit better, i would move the unchecked items down to another date and time, and when the date and time came and i still didn't feel like doing them, id move them down again. : (

now that i have so much time to my self after my resignation as Chair of a big department in our university, i am surprisingly feeling swamped from all the many things i've planned for my self to do yet not knowing where to start. ive been feeling like ive done so much and done all in my life already at half the time, what else was there left for me to do, except more of the same?

thankfully, a blogger friend reminded me of how there are always new things one can explore, like his trying to learn German. that reminded me of two things i wanted to learn "once i had more time for my self"-- aikido and belly dancing! : )

my friend's reminder jumpstarted me into getting a hold of my self again, and finally sitting down with my self to organize my thoughts and plans and To Dos.

the by-date-and-time method didn't work for me this time. so i resorted to an old technique--mapping.

i constructed a table of many columns, the number of columns depending on the number of major areas in my life i wanted to work on-- personal, teaching, writing, higher studies, others/msc.-- and i filled in all the columns with all the To Dos i still have left undone, transferring them from my regular planner to this sheet of paper.

after i finished putting everything down, i could see a better and bigger picture of what i wanted to do. i didnt set any deadlines this time, although i knew in my head which ones were the most urgent.

still, the important thing is my little map encouraged me again to wake up from my inertia and start doing things again. because there were no deadlines, and i gave my self the freedom to choose whichever task i felt like doing every time i looked at my map, my inner self felt more empowered rather than imposed upon. : )

and so i did and accomplished my To Dos again with my characteristic gusto and speed (ive been told that i work real fast and deliver quality output at that... when my heart is in it... :>... but when my heart isn't in it, nothing can budge me either, not threat, not reward, not pleas... : < ).

this little game with my self only served to further remind me, now, though, of how there's this other underside part of me that refuses to be tamed, much more bossed around, even if the one doing the taming and bossing is the other rational, logical, law-abiding topside part of me that the world sees. but it is this underside part of me that funds all my creativity and passion and joy, and so the topside part of me must learn to be ingenious in dealing with this underside part of me, as well as tolerant, gentle, forgiving, loving... much like a loving parent would treat her impetous, irrational child who insists on having a tantrum. : )

and so i learned this about me again--

that sometimes, to way to me is around me. : )