Monday, May 30, 2005

Hmmmm...

i wonder who my sole fan from Moreno Valley, California is who religiously visits this incognito site...

: )

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

A Confession: The Beginning and The End

perhaps, it is only fitting that i should end my sexual exploration phase with whom i began it with, with T... which started almost three years ago, a few months after i left my marriage, at 34.

with T, i learned what i should have known long before -- that a man can make love with a woman with all his heart and cherish her and treat her with the tenderness and respect and careful attention that she deserves -- but which i never experienced in what i see now as a horribly sick marriage.

the ex was the first man in my life -- first holding hands, first kiss, first "everything"-- and so, i had no other experience with another to compare my experience of him with. at 23, i should have known better that i wasnt treated the way i should be treated as a woman, but what the heck, the sex was great! (it still brought me orgasms didn't it? only to realize now that my own imagination and willingness and curiosity and natural hunger fed my own fire as much--if not more-- than whatever techniques and tricks in the bag the ex knew.)

it was with T though, that i learned from first hand experience, that there is great orgasmic sex, and there is great lovemaking, and that the two need not necessarily be the same.

i wanted to pursue a relationship with T, but T wasn't ready, or willing, or prepared, or just wiser and more sensible than i, being 14 years older: how do you seriously sustain a long-distance relationship, at a time in your lives when you're both trying to pick up the pieces and rebuild again?

... and so, the love and passion with T was put at the back burner and left simmering, while we became better friends instead.

the opportunity with M came next, a year after, while i was getting over the shock at having been taken for a ride by an online love. M was convenient-- i could tell he was attracted to me and even possibly in love with me, with the way he was following me around like a lovesick puppy. M was a new experience too-- half foreign, and much younger-- someone ive never had before, and never even entertained in my wildest dreams.

the experience with M further taught me that some men do know how to make good loving, even when they're clumsy with the sex. : ) it also further bolstered my confidence as a woman, knowing from his "feedback" how naturally "talented" and good i was, even when compared to the women in his country.

M wanted more with me, but i wasn't ready. when it came time for me to be ready for something more with him, he was already so hurt from my initial rejection that he couldn't believe id really want him for him anymore... it was a bittersweet parting of ways over the course of a year and a half, but i thank God that, like T, he still also remains a good friend.

*****

i met D another year later, at this adult friendfinders site. by this time, i was with the notion that mixing love with sex makes it confusing and stressful... so why not go for just the sex itself and enjoy it for what it is?

so i registered at that site, anonymously, of course. it was a scary kind of thrilling experience, but it's interesting to note that the only three people i decided to pursue communication with from that site are the three most real people i knew, virtually or in real life. i guess that maybe, since the illusion of "love" was out of the picture, we were freer to just be ourselves and to talk without the BS.

D lived the nearest to me, and at a beach at that. he invited me to take a break from my regular life and enjoy my self, for once in my life, without having to worry about my responsibilities to my kids, my work and other people. it touched me that he quickly saw through that, my fast burning out from my real life's demands, and offered me the friendly vacation at his place, "with no strings attached".

: )

of course, knowing me and my curiousity and hunger then, i went ahead with the adventure. what the heck, i decided-- life's too short to be limited by other people's shoulds and should nots about how i should live my life!

and so i spent an interesting three days of my life with D, doing nothing but pleasuring my self.

it was a new kind of pleasure with D, though. there was pain, and then there was tenderness. i didn't understand what was happening. i went home still feeling confused, although refreshed and renewed in going back to my old life. i learned though, that i should have been clearer with D about what i really wanted, especially when he asked me many times what i wanted. after a year-long hiatus, i guess i was just so hungry i forgot to look out for my self and set my boundaries. : (

N was from the adult friendfinders site, too, and we agreed to meet a month after i met D. this time i was more upfront with N about what i wanted, and what i didnt want. for sure, i expressly told him i didnt want pain, and i wanted to take it really slow. N was more than happy to accommodate.

that one night with N healed me from my confusion with D. ive never laughed so much and enjoyed my self so much with N, who aimed to please and was more other-centered than D.
And N's "feedback"-- his wondrous surprise at how eager and hungry i was as he was, of how he said he can't believe ive only had 3 before him, excluding the ex-- did much to boost my womanly esteem, considering that he was a "pro" at this whole new "fubu" (f__k buddy) kind of game.

i didnt want a bad-taste-in-the-mouth memory of D, so when the opportunity arose for me to be at his beach again the next month after N, i jumped on it. this time, though, i specifically asked D to remove some "piercings" he had, which scared me and upset me and hurt me... i was also more explicit about taking it slow and being more gentle.

it was another adventurous time for me. the kids and my students were sleeping still at 5am, and i sneaked out of our cottage to be with D.

this time, he was good to me. he did remove what i asked him to remove, and he was gentler. but it was me who had to go fast and leave soon after, as the kids were waking up and calling me on my cellphone!

but, at least, i consoled my self with the new happy memory with D.

*****

i was in the capital city another month later, to be with my father and the rest of my siblings for our father's heart operation.

T called and asked to meet me again, after 3 years of our not seeing each other.

it was like old times, and then it wasn't. T said ive become a woman now, from the girl i used to be the first time we met. : )

*****

and then, too, while with T again, i sensed intuitively that it was to be the last of my (mis?) adventures.

i learned that im a woman of curiousity and hunger and passion and fun and a sense of adventure; but i also learned that im a woman of a sensitive heart, who must at least feel affection for the man before she can give herself fully to him, even in supposedly more casual and undefined relationships. to go on with more adventures like these would be harmful for my heart and soul. : (

i learned too, that im good, and that i don't need anymore to keep proving to my self so.

what i needed to do now is to find somebody who is as good, not just with their bodies, but with their minds and hearts and souls.

and so, that's how it started, and that's how it ended.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Him

- faith in goodness;
- a healthy sense of fun and adventure;
- an inquiring, independent mind;
- a kind heart;
- a strong, wise and fine spirit...
- loves me heart, body, mind and soul with all his heart, body, mind and soul!

that would be Him.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

From Moulin Rouge


"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return."

Friday, May 13, 2005

Writing as Anarchy

when all else is lost, i write.

when i am made to keep silent, by people or circumstances or considerations of sensibilities, i write still.

when i am being what i should not be, or not being what i should be, i write all the more.

for it is only in writing that i hear my self think and i am made aware of what i feel, and it is in writing that i keep, or find, or rediscover, a clearer, stronger sense of who i am and what i am about.

if anarchy is "no government", and i refuse to be governed by keeping true to who i am, by giving voice to my ongoing thoughts and feelings at any moment in time through my writing, then call me an anarchist.

whatever i am called anyway, i still write.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

The Wildish Nature*

It means to establish territory, to find one's pack, to be in one's body with certainty and pride regardless of the body's gifts and limitations, to speak and act in one's behalf, to be aware, alert, to draw on the innate feminine powers of intuition and sensing, to come into one's cycles, to find what one belongs to, to rise with dignity, to retain as much consciousness as we can.

*****

The way to maintain one's connection to the wild is to ask yourself what is it that you want. One of the most important discriminations we can make in this matter is the difference between things that beckon to us and things that call from our souls.

We choose a thing because it just happened to be beneath our noses at that moment in time. It is not necessarily what we want, but it is interesting, and the longer we gaze at it, the more compelling it becomes.

When we are connected to the instinctual self, to the soul of the feminine which is natural and wild, then instead of looking over whatever happens to be on display, we say to ourselves, "What am I hungry for?" Without looking at anything outwardly, we venture inward and ask, "What do I long for? What do I wish for now? What do I crave? What do I desire? For what do I yearn?"

It takes spirit, will, and soulfulness and it often means holding out for what one wants.

*****

*excerpts from Women Who Run With The Wolves

The Cat As Symbol

from Lionrhod (emphasis mine):

Mischevious, playful, alluring, intuitive, cats embody the essence of magick and mystery.

As totems and spirit guides they offer protection, independence, psychic power, sensuality and self confidence.

They are associated with the Moon, the Night and the element of Fire.

Traditionally seen as the archetypical witch's familiar, cats are a magnificent aid to grounding, and just stroking their fur can bring calm, healing and a sense of peace.

With their mysterious airs, it is no wonder that cats have been revered, mythologized and sometimes even feared since ancient times. During the Burning Times, cats were firmly entrenched in our mythology as the familiar animal of witches, and often murdered along with their owners. The lack of cats to kill rats allowed the Black Death to spread swiftly across Europe.

In sharp contrast, the Egyptians treated them as gods and kings and even mummified them after their deaths, and killing a cat (even by accident) was punishable by death. The Egyptian goddess Bast, protectress of the Pharoah and of women, was seen as a cat or a cat-headed woman.

Because of the cat's penchant for freedom, the Romans depicted the goddess of Liberty as having a cat at her feet. Freya, the Norse goddess of passion and fertility was associated with cats, and Shosti, the childbirth goddess of the Hindu mythos rides a cat. In Celtic lore, heroes were often seen battling giant cats rather than dragons.

Why Do People Say That Cats Have 9 Lives?

here is Jeeves' answer ( emphasis mine ):

Some people believe in the superstition that cats have nine lives, because cats can survive falls from high places with few, if any injuries. This gives the appearance that the cats return to life after sustaining a fatal accident. Granted, they may sustain minor injuries, such as bloody noses, cracked teeth, or a few broken ribs, but they live to recover.

The ability of the cat to survive these accidents that would kill humans or other animals is not due to multiple lives, but to several advantages they possess. Their small size and low body weight soften the impact as they make contact with the ground after falling from great heights.

The highly developed inner ears of cats equip them with an unusually keen sense of balance, which is critical to their landing on their feet. This sense of balance allows a cat falling upside down to right himself by rapidly determining his position, repositioning himself, and making any adjustments necessary to ensure that he lands on all fours.


Since cats land on all four paws, the impact from landing on the ground is absorbed by all four. Additionally, cats bend their legs when they land, which cushions the impact by spreading the impact, not only through bones that could easily break, but through the joints and muscles as well.

Most are surprised to learn that a cat stands a greater chance of survival if it falls from a higher place than from a lower place. New York veterinarians gathered data from their feline patients, which clearly supports this fact. Ten percent of their patients died after falling from 2-6 stories, while only five percent of the fatalities occurred when their patients fell from 7-32 stories

Laws of physics explain why these survival rates vary. All falling bodies, regardless or their masses, accelerate by 22 miles per hour per second of their falls. The falling object, after traveling a certain distance through the air reaches a final speed, or "terminal velocity," because the object’s friction with the air slows the fall. The smaller the object’s mass, and the greater its area, the more it will slow.


A cat falling from a higher floor, after it stops accelerating, spreads its legs into an umbrella shape, which increases the area against which the air must push and increases the friction, thus slowing the cat’s fall. Through the cats highly developed sense of balance, he buys more time to maneuver his body in preparation for landing on all fours. A cat falling from a lower height does not have the opportunity to increase its body’s area, slow its fall, or position his body to land on all four feet.

This Secret Place

this is getting to be quite fun, to be in this secret place -- where i don't know anybody who visits (well, no one has visited yet even!) and nobody knows me.

it helps me deal with the real world out there, with people grasping, clawing, voraciously demanding for my time and attention and energies, it seems. i walk around and know that at least, some part of my life is mine and mine alone, nobody can touch it.

i am hurting so bad right now too. i feel like an open, gaping wound walking around, drip-dripping blood all over the place but unable to even speak nor cry about my pain, because nobody will truly understand nor be there with me down there in the depths anyway.

this secret place helps. i can start writing about it, at least, without worrying that somebody else might misunderstand, or take offense, or become more confused about who i am and where i'm at with them...

i am safe here.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Starting Anew

i already have two blogs elsewhere (no, make that three--with the third one only announcing the other two), but too many people already know too much about me there.

right now, i just want to get away from them all and speak my mind and heart again as freely as i used to when i started blogging.

so this is it -- me again, incognito this time, so i can be most me at last.