Sunday, September 18, 2005

not so together today

i woke up troubled from a dream where i learned i won the NCCA Writers Prize 2005, but that i lost the letter confirming my winnings. i searched and searched in my dream but i never found it, even until i woke up.

i woke up to find it's already 6am, when i only meant to sleep until the little ones fell asleep last night, and wake up again at around midnight to do my paperwork backlog... and now, im feeling guilty and feeling like a failure for not waking up at midnight as i planned to. : (

i read a subscription email on resolving unconscious conflicts through free-writing and i guess that's what i'm doing right now. just freely writing to feel better, at least.

i read another subscription email about a woman's beautiful wedding by an old stone church and a countryside garden, and seeing the name of her groom as the name of the man i love too, i burst out in tears... i love him, i miss him, but he is so far away. and how can we ever get married?... will i still marry someday?... do i still even dream? : (

another subscription email on men and women and masculinity and femininity from a spiritual perspective confirmed what i've learned for my self already; it was a nice read, especially that part where the author said a man is most tested in his ability to love a woman, in how he treats her... and that part about women's power of invitation, just by being women.

it's a cloudy, dark sunday morning, and i am feeling the same.

i am missing something.... somebody... and life is a drag. : (

the past is over, the future is still being formed, and today, i just want be numb to it all. i guess i am just sooo tired and weary from all this living and learning and knowing and struggling...

i wish i could just let it all hang, and let somebody else be responsible for a while, take care of me for a while. i wish to just snuggle and cuddle and not even think about a care, not have to be responsible for anything or anybody else but my own pleasure...

i wish to just go away and hide, and be nobody, but just be me.

sigh.
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