Thursday, September 22, 2005

gone are my Depo days

my cellphone beeps to remind me that today is supposed to be my 3-month "renewal" of my Depo Provera shots.

i used to look forward to going to the clinic for my shots, convinced that it was a sign of my empowerment, my ability to take care of my self and be responsible for my self even as i seek out my pleasures and fulfill my needs, without having to worry about untimely consequences.

but today, i am feeling hesitant... more like refusing now, actually.

there was a time when i needed to have the shots because i was actively pleasure-seeking, and i didnt have to worry about creating consequences i did not really want beyond the passing pleasure of the moment.

but today, it is different. for quite some time, i have not been as actively pleasure-seeking as before, because i noticed an inner shift in me-- a shift towards more depth and meaning, even in my pleasure-seeking. i more strongly long for deeper, more lasting joys now; it assumes more power now over that part of me willing to risk lasting joys for passing pleasures.

then, too, i think that NOT renewing my shots today would act like an automatic "control" mechanism, holding me back from situations i would have otherwise usually just jumped into before, knowing i didnt have serious consequences to worry about. so, holding back would be good for me, in the light of what i want now.

also, i think my body needs the rest. it would be good for my body to resume its natural cycles again, getting in sync with Nature's rhythms the way it was always been meant to be...

i just surfed for Depo Provera in Google right now, and my readings somehow confirm the "rightness" of my decision -- it is good for the short term, but not as a lifestyle.

somehow, today, for the first time in a very long time, NOT renewing my shots feels more right to me than renewing it.

besides, there is a Love i am holding my self out for, now, too... : )

for the first time in a long time, i am both right and happy now.

oh, how far i've come...!
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