Saturday, September 17, 2005

Change

my life is changing now; i feel it in my bones and in the circumstances around me.

gone are the days of day-to-day struggling just to survive, living on the edge by my guts and wit and creativity, fueled by the fire of my anger at past injustices, and my own pride and sense of dignity and self-preservation. those were the days when being strongly assertive and taking the proverbial bull by the horns moved things for me, worked things out for me...

but these days, as i get out of survival mode and find my life filled with new people im meeting who are helping me get trained and earn in so many more ways, i see with my inner eye how i need to move on and move ahead with a new kind of fire now-- the fire of tact and diplomacy and patience and gentle persuasion and tolerance and... trust.

it's taking some time and not a few "aftershocks" getting used to this new kind of being and behaving. sometimes i miss the hungry, angry years. they were strenous and stressful but they were all ive come to know and become good at.

these days, learning to relax into trust and non-anxiety, to let things and people be and trust that it will all work out anyway even without my pushing so hard, still takes some time getting comfortable in, but i guess it is the way to go now.

i feel half-lost sometimes, guilty even (why am i not striving so hard? why am i not doing more?). for the past days, i've even gotten into some kind of depression, feeling like im not so good at things anymore, but the old ways do not work either, and im still finding out what the new ways should be. there's a sense of loss for an old part of me, and that old part of me reappears sometimes, over petty and trivial matters, just so i can get a sense of control and "hold" over "reality" as it is happening now...

... in many ways, the "better times" i am experiencing are also bringing their own kind of stress, and i still can't get over the newness of it all! : O
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