Sunday, July 03, 2005

the way to me

sometimes i play hide and seek with my self.

i've been in a funk lately, with the doldrums setting in, and feeling a growing sense of worthlessness and incompentency from having so many items in my To Do list for the day left unchecked. to make my self feel a little bit better, i would move the unchecked items down to another date and time, and when the date and time came and i still didn't feel like doing them, id move them down again. : (

now that i have so much time to my self after my resignation as Chair of a big department in our university, i am surprisingly feeling swamped from all the many things i've planned for my self to do yet not knowing where to start. ive been feeling like ive done so much and done all in my life already at half the time, what else was there left for me to do, except more of the same?

thankfully, a blogger friend reminded me of how there are always new things one can explore, like his trying to learn German. that reminded me of two things i wanted to learn "once i had more time for my self"-- aikido and belly dancing! : )

my friend's reminder jumpstarted me into getting a hold of my self again, and finally sitting down with my self to organize my thoughts and plans and To Dos.

the by-date-and-time method didn't work for me this time. so i resorted to an old technique--mapping.

i constructed a table of many columns, the number of columns depending on the number of major areas in my life i wanted to work on-- personal, teaching, writing, higher studies, others/msc.-- and i filled in all the columns with all the To Dos i still have left undone, transferring them from my regular planner to this sheet of paper.

after i finished putting everything down, i could see a better and bigger picture of what i wanted to do. i didnt set any deadlines this time, although i knew in my head which ones were the most urgent.

still, the important thing is my little map encouraged me again to wake up from my inertia and start doing things again. because there were no deadlines, and i gave my self the freedom to choose whichever task i felt like doing every time i looked at my map, my inner self felt more empowered rather than imposed upon. : )

and so i did and accomplished my To Dos again with my characteristic gusto and speed (ive been told that i work real fast and deliver quality output at that... when my heart is in it... :>... but when my heart isn't in it, nothing can budge me either, not threat, not reward, not pleas... : < ).

this little game with my self only served to further remind me, now, though, of how there's this other underside part of me that refuses to be tamed, much more bossed around, even if the one doing the taming and bossing is the other rational, logical, law-abiding topside part of me that the world sees. but it is this underside part of me that funds all my creativity and passion and joy, and so the topside part of me must learn to be ingenious in dealing with this underside part of me, as well as tolerant, gentle, forgiving, loving... much like a loving parent would treat her impetous, irrational child who insists on having a tantrum. : )

and so i learned this about me again--

that sometimes, to way to me is around me. : )
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