Wednesday, July 20, 2005


my brother texts me to tell me he's worried about our dad, how our dad's mistress is making it really difficult for him to let go of her despite my dad's having actually personally found out about her shenanigans and stealing from the business. she wears him down with her daily hysterics and threats and drama and violence against him, so much so that his doctor has advised him to go back to his heart patches again--- this, after undergoing a million and a half pesos five-stent angioplasty fix-up just three months ago!!!

then my sister tells me that maybe i should talk to the mistress since im the one quite good at dealing with all sorts of people and conflict...

i remember a time not so long ago when i was a pariah in the family, for refusing to kowtow to our father when he brought his mistress to our house to live with us, now that our mother was away in the States. i was made to feel like the baddest person on earth, for "dishonoring" our father and "not respecting" him enough by adamantly refusing to live with his terms of having us all in one house and me taking care of our family business so everybody gets to enjoy his/her life by living off the fat from the business, except me.

i remember a time not so long ago when i warned him and everyone that not only is the situation very wrong, but that the kind of person the mistress is is bad news for the family.

but nobody listened; i was even cast out.

and now, this, they all come to me for help.
they all come to me to clean up their mess.
as usual.

they don't know i am done with playing the role of martyr and savior.
that was another life ago.


now my mom shares with me how difficult her dialysis treatment is getting to be for her to be able to do her normal activities. i long and ache to be with her in the States, but the memory of getting refused by the US embassy for a tourist visa twice, just because i was honest (and stupid?) enough to declare my real income and net worth (what did they expect from a middle class struggling 37 year old separated woman and single parent?), still makes me fume in disgust.

here i was really intending to just go visit her and be there for her for her operations -- first, for her breast removal because of stage 4 breast cancer, next for both her triple heart bypass and the start of her dialysis treatment all in the same month -- but the embassy refused me saying i didnt have enough "financial resources" to show i won't be overstaying there. that is the stupidest logic ever. if i didnt have enough financial resources on my own to stay there in the first place, i would never even dream of overstaying, especially with my three young kids back here!!!


and then, earlier tonight, the ex called, only to tell me to talk to our son's teacher about a certain classmate who socked him in the groin three days ago. i was calm in explaining how the matter has been settled, but he insisted i should talk to the teacher again, sounding as if i wasn't doing enough as a good mother should. i just lamely said, "i'll see... i'm not feeling too well lately..."

and only belatedly do i get hold of my anger at his hypocritical self-righteousness. i should have told him what i really thought and felt, "if you're such a concerned parent, why don't YOU go talk to the teacher your self??? i already do enough for three kids alone, without your help!!!"


and now, here comes the man i love, who innocently shares with me a little harmless flirtation from his past... because he was feeling safe and loving and intimate with me...

... and i just fall apart with all-consuming jealousy.


i haven't been at work in the last two days, telling my students im on "emergency leave" for a "sickness in the family"...

i think i'll make it three.

this is just tooo much to take right now.

i want to climb into my shell again and hide.

somebody, make the hurting stop, please!
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