Thursday, June 23, 2005

small

i am suddenly feeling sooo small... and vulnerable. at the mercy of externals, like a feather being blown this way and that, with no force of its own propelling it towards its own self-willed direction.

the car's still in the garage; the mechanic has been too busy to come for it since monday. so the children and i use the taxi every day. at P70 per trip at 4 trips a day, that's like snatching the equivalent of 3 days' food away from the table.

still i sigh and keep my chin up, for the children's sake. i keep repeating to my self like a mantra now-- God will provide. There's always more where it comes from, God will provide.

besides, ive been through this before... so there's really nothing new.

i have been carrying around an "almost-flu" my self, but i tell my self i can't afford to break down and get sick; my children need me to make the world keep turning. besides, paolo woke up with a sudden high fever at 5 am today.

i am still monitoring it even as i worry. my mom called earlier and when i told her about it, her sharing of watching the news on tv of how meningitis has been breaking out among children in manila didn't help much.

now i am more worried.

yet, i hesitate to go to the doctor unless i really have to.

there's the finances to think about, for one. i just got my butterfly commission, yes, but everything's budgeted for... and my sister called me up earlier today to borrow 3k to cover a business overdraft. she's helped me through so much before, it was the least i could do for her, even if it already meant a dent on my budget...

another thing is, when i called the hospital earlier, and asked for my children's last doctor, they told me she has left and doesn't hold office there anymore. the children's original pediatrician has long since stopped working too, because of a mysterious illness. and since my children have been virtually healthy since their birth, ive never had reason to bring them to the hospital since then, even for check ups (!).

now i am soo lost. i hate to think of carrying paolo into the emergency room, with unknown people to attend to us.

i need somebody i know and trust, to talk to me, to hold my hand, and tell me things will be okay, as they always do.

and right now, there is no one.

i am free, yes --
and alone,
and small.
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