Wednesday, May 18, 2005

A Confession: The Beginning and The End

perhaps, it is only fitting that i should end my sexual exploration phase with whom i began it with, with T... which started almost three years ago, a few months after i left my marriage, at 34.

with T, i learned what i should have known long before -- that a man can make love with a woman with all his heart and cherish her and treat her with the tenderness and respect and careful attention that she deserves -- but which i never experienced in what i see now as a horribly sick marriage.

the ex was the first man in my life -- first holding hands, first kiss, first "everything"-- and so, i had no other experience with another to compare my experience of him with. at 23, i should have known better that i wasnt treated the way i should be treated as a woman, but what the heck, the sex was great! (it still brought me orgasms didn't it? only to realize now that my own imagination and willingness and curiosity and natural hunger fed my own fire as much--if not more-- than whatever techniques and tricks in the bag the ex knew.)

it was with T though, that i learned from first hand experience, that there is great orgasmic sex, and there is great lovemaking, and that the two need not necessarily be the same.

i wanted to pursue a relationship with T, but T wasn't ready, or willing, or prepared, or just wiser and more sensible than i, being 14 years older: how do you seriously sustain a long-distance relationship, at a time in your lives when you're both trying to pick up the pieces and rebuild again?

... and so, the love and passion with T was put at the back burner and left simmering, while we became better friends instead.

the opportunity with M came next, a year after, while i was getting over the shock at having been taken for a ride by an online love. M was convenient-- i could tell he was attracted to me and even possibly in love with me, with the way he was following me around like a lovesick puppy. M was a new experience too-- half foreign, and much younger-- someone ive never had before, and never even entertained in my wildest dreams.

the experience with M further taught me that some men do know how to make good loving, even when they're clumsy with the sex. : ) it also further bolstered my confidence as a woman, knowing from his "feedback" how naturally "talented" and good i was, even when compared to the women in his country.

M wanted more with me, but i wasn't ready. when it came time for me to be ready for something more with him, he was already so hurt from my initial rejection that he couldn't believe id really want him for him anymore... it was a bittersweet parting of ways over the course of a year and a half, but i thank God that, like T, he still also remains a good friend.

*****

i met D another year later, at this adult friendfinders site. by this time, i was with the notion that mixing love with sex makes it confusing and stressful... so why not go for just the sex itself and enjoy it for what it is?

so i registered at that site, anonymously, of course. it was a scary kind of thrilling experience, but it's interesting to note that the only three people i decided to pursue communication with from that site are the three most real people i knew, virtually or in real life. i guess that maybe, since the illusion of "love" was out of the picture, we were freer to just be ourselves and to talk without the BS.

D lived the nearest to me, and at a beach at that. he invited me to take a break from my regular life and enjoy my self, for once in my life, without having to worry about my responsibilities to my kids, my work and other people. it touched me that he quickly saw through that, my fast burning out from my real life's demands, and offered me the friendly vacation at his place, "with no strings attached".

: )

of course, knowing me and my curiousity and hunger then, i went ahead with the adventure. what the heck, i decided-- life's too short to be limited by other people's shoulds and should nots about how i should live my life!

and so i spent an interesting three days of my life with D, doing nothing but pleasuring my self.

it was a new kind of pleasure with D, though. there was pain, and then there was tenderness. i didn't understand what was happening. i went home still feeling confused, although refreshed and renewed in going back to my old life. i learned though, that i should have been clearer with D about what i really wanted, especially when he asked me many times what i wanted. after a year-long hiatus, i guess i was just so hungry i forgot to look out for my self and set my boundaries. : (

N was from the adult friendfinders site, too, and we agreed to meet a month after i met D. this time i was more upfront with N about what i wanted, and what i didnt want. for sure, i expressly told him i didnt want pain, and i wanted to take it really slow. N was more than happy to accommodate.

that one night with N healed me from my confusion with D. ive never laughed so much and enjoyed my self so much with N, who aimed to please and was more other-centered than D.
And N's "feedback"-- his wondrous surprise at how eager and hungry i was as he was, of how he said he can't believe ive only had 3 before him, excluding the ex-- did much to boost my womanly esteem, considering that he was a "pro" at this whole new "fubu" (f__k buddy) kind of game.

i didnt want a bad-taste-in-the-mouth memory of D, so when the opportunity arose for me to be at his beach again the next month after N, i jumped on it. this time, though, i specifically asked D to remove some "piercings" he had, which scared me and upset me and hurt me... i was also more explicit about taking it slow and being more gentle.

it was another adventurous time for me. the kids and my students were sleeping still at 5am, and i sneaked out of our cottage to be with D.

this time, he was good to me. he did remove what i asked him to remove, and he was gentler. but it was me who had to go fast and leave soon after, as the kids were waking up and calling me on my cellphone!

but, at least, i consoled my self with the new happy memory with D.

*****

i was in the capital city another month later, to be with my father and the rest of my siblings for our father's heart operation.

T called and asked to meet me again, after 3 years of our not seeing each other.

it was like old times, and then it wasn't. T said ive become a woman now, from the girl i used to be the first time we met. : )

*****

and then, too, while with T again, i sensed intuitively that it was to be the last of my (mis?) adventures.

i learned that im a woman of curiousity and hunger and passion and fun and a sense of adventure; but i also learned that im a woman of a sensitive heart, who must at least feel affection for the man before she can give herself fully to him, even in supposedly more casual and undefined relationships. to go on with more adventures like these would be harmful for my heart and soul. : (

i learned too, that im good, and that i don't need anymore to keep proving to my self so.

what i needed to do now is to find somebody who is as good, not just with their bodies, but with their minds and hearts and souls.

and so, that's how it started, and that's how it ended.
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