Friday, February 04, 2011

Reflections on My Day 9 of the Chopra Center's 21-Day Meditation Challenge

Time February 3, 2011 at 6:48 am 
I’m catching up with Day 9 although I see the Day 11 link in my Inbox already! : )
I think I have to do this again and again until I feel “whole” about it… I got stopped twice when the audio stopped right after the part on sending metta to loved ones… buffering trouble I guess.
So while letting the audio buffer, I read through the comments and I felt affirmed that my sudden welling up in tears is shared by many! That’s why I feel like I have to do this over and over until I’m completely “washed clean”.
I’m using this audio pause to say thank you to all here for sharing this journey, and to Chopra Center and davidji and our many guides here, for facilitating! Abundant blessings!
Time February 4, 2011 at 5:37 am
This has so far been the biggest challenge for me. After my attempts last night, I found that I could not finish the meditation (not only because of the slow buffering time, but even later when it was completed buffered.)
There was a hesitation in me, my heart was balking at being given the spotlight! So I decided to sleep it off and return again today.
The whole day today was a very emotional day though. I woke up feeling very troubled about a close relationship I have now. I’ve always thought this was the best relationship I’ve had so far, but this morning, insights came at me fast, insights about how I’m giving too much of my self into this relationship actually, without getting the equivalent back. It made me see how my current relationship is really not much different from previous ones, and I was very very bothered by what I suddenly saw with my heart!
I wept and grieved at the sudden realizations and my heart broke with my deep, heavy sobs!
Is this an expected effect of a metta meditation? By focusing on one’s heart, one’s heart actually fully reveals itself and all its hardy outer shells fall away?
Anyway, after a heavy morning of grieving and sobbing, my head became clearer and I could see better with more than just my physical eyes, but my heart’s eyes now, and I was able to go through the rest of my day very serenely.
So tonight, I just did (and completed) the metta meditation again, as I felt I was ready to do it now. (I faced it with a sort of resolute grimness though :> )
Tears still flowed when I finally did this meditation fully, especially in the part where one had to send metta/bless those whom one feels has hurt one. But, this time, my heart felt softer, less crusty, more magnanimous.
I realized that what I thought was a long-healed and very open and magnanimous heart was actually still hurting and breaking so, and even closed so, from years of denial and bypassing, that my way of giving too much without expecting anything in return was a form of control, and denial of my own heart’s value and needs.
The Soul Of Healing MeditationsI will need to do this Day 9 metta meditation over and over again until my heart is set aright again. 
So this is both a very challenging and enlightening meditation for me, to realize that I finally must pay full attention to and respect and listen to my heart, without denial or judgment or selective attention.
Thank you for this difficult and painful but most enlightening and enriching meditation. I will move on to Days 10 to 12 now but I will keep coming back here until I get this right, until I do right by my heart, at last.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

sitting down with me

sitting down with me
hugging my self
while i wonder:
am i still part
of your new life now?

sitting down with me
studying my heart:
both happy for you
and envious 
of your happiness--
how can that be?

Friday, August 13, 2010

voices from the past

hurtful words i suddenly remember from a lifetime ago (just when i was about to take my nap... these revelations always come when i'm about to sleep/ have just woken up!)--

Papa:  "No man would ever take you for his wife, you're too smart for your own good!"

The Ex: (his parting words before I left him):  "(I did you a favor by marrying you.)  No man would ever want you for his wife, you're too much to handle, too crazy!"

: (  : (  : (

and the tears just finally flowed.

and flowed.


it's interesting that they come at a time like this when i'm growing in love and  commitment to B ...

maybe they have finally come up for healing, huh...

only now when i'm strong enough again to take them... and now when i know better.

the ways of the soul are mysterious, indeed...

Thursday, February 26, 2009

these moments

these moments come unbidden, but usually when i'm surprisingly alone and not surrounded by the kids, my colleagues, students, or just people in general.

these moments where I think I am really really tired of this world now, exhausted, weary, and I just want to go Home... and then I weep silently and secretly for my self.

if it were not for the children, I'd really want to die now, peacefully, in bed, just after a good night's sleep.

i have planted my trees, written my books and borne not just a wonderful son but two beautiful daughters as well--wonderful and beautiful inside and out--have loved and lost and loved again and only grown finer, stronger, wiser and more beautiful from them.

what is there left for me to do, except to see my children through until they can go on on their own?

sometimes i wonder if i am just experiencing lingering grief and depression from Papa's and Mama's passing around a year ago... but then i remember that i started feeling this way even before they were hospitalized and later died.

i actually started feeling this way around the middle of my self-imposed sabbatical in 2007, when i took a year's unpaid leave off from my university teaching work just to refresh and renew and find out some more about what i'm really about, what my life is about.

a friend would possibly suggest midlife crisis, as im right smack in the middle of 40 ... : ) but i believe i had my midlife crisis much earlier on, at 32-34 when my life was crumbling down and i finally left my marriage to break free and re-start my life 7 years ago.

and my life has only been one big, grand and beautiful adventure and series of triumphs and joys since then. full blossoming, all cylinders on.

still, these moments come.

and i just feel so old and weary and sad... of this world, of human nature, of life in this planet.

so these moments come.

and there is nothing much left to do except to bear them, on the way to fully embracing them someday soon... somehow.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


shit. i am scared.

i only realize that about my self now.

i meant to write on another blog a copy of my diary list, "How to Stay In Joy/Keep Feeling Good (Because It's the Good Feelings that Attracts the Good Things!), but as i was preparing to write the post, i asked my self why i'm even resurrecting this list of things i've learned now, why it's so important for me that i keep this list... and i realize that it's mainly more as a clear reminder for me of what to be doing when i'm not feeling good, when the anxieties eat up at my confidence and joy and good feelings-- which has been happening a lot lately (since late last year, actually).

i also realized that it's because right now, there are 3 Major Changes happening in my life-- career (closing some doors to open space for a new one), love (is this a deepening... or a disengaging?) and finances (closing off some faucets to focus my energies on opening a new and bigger one, but meanwhile there's the interim transition period to maneuver skillfully...)--and so that's why ive been feeling so constantly anxious lately, despite my best efforts at keeping my good feelings up and in place.

even if these changes are ones i've mostly initiated--or at least, encouraged-- my self, so they are not as if they were thrust upon me like i was a victim, and even if i know, intellectually, how to maneuver through these tricky shoals and i do have a general flexible plan in mind--

still, i feel scared.

oh, i know i'm a terrific survivor, and have survived the worst at a time when i didn't know any better, and i know i can survive and even triumph over these now, as before.

but, still.

it's this interim period of things being in a flux, all up in the air, more darkness than light, that scares me, as i can't do anything much but watch and wait, and discern and wait for my turn to act on the moment.

i feel so helpless, being carried away by Tides bigger than i am.

and in my meditations, God only keeps telling me one thing: "Relax, my child. Relax."

and i am soooo scared shit of relaxing, releasing my hold, and just fully, freely letting go now, on all three Change Subjects (career, love, finances) all at once!

God help me through this.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

The One

i dreamt that i was with Papa and Mama.

i was asked to pour more hot water into Papa's glass of hot water, but when i picked it up, i found out that not only was his glass still full but his water was also still so hot the glass was turning soft and "melty" at the bottom, where my hands held it.

i was afraid i'd spill it or crush the glass altogether and that Papa would get mad at me. he was starting to comment on the obvious without offering any solution (like he did a lot before when he was alive)-- "watch it, you might spill the hot water on me! or worse, you might break the glass!"-- and i was feeling confused and helpless.

suddenly, a hand offered me a bigger, thicker empty glass, where i could not only pour Papa's existing hot water into, but even add more that was asked of me, without fear of spilling hot water into Papa or crushing the glass.

i did just that and i felt happy and triumphant.

i looked up to see who offered me the bigger empty glass.

it was B, quietly standing behind Papa and smiling at me.

i felt very loved and supported and encouraged.


i woke up and the first thing i did was to pour hot water into my mug containing a used teabag from last night and which i placed on my bedside table.

as i poured the hot water, i remembered this dream.

and as i wrote this dream down in my journal, the meaning became clear:

my parents wanted me to perform the impossible, and B stepped in, not only to make it possible, but even doable!

what a metaphor.


so, B is really The One for me, huh, dear Soul?

: )

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Full Circle

somebody told me once how life is funny: it is precisely when you're moving a quantum leap forward that your past comes back to haunt you, if not to pull you back or pull you down.

well, he didn't exactly say it in those words (they're more mine than his); he wasn't that articulate. : ) but this was the gist.

i've been remembering this lately when people i've long forgotten have been one by one seemingly coming out of the woodwork of my life to contact me and just to say hi, how was i?

most are not really people who were in the mainstream of my life to begin with, so it was easy to forget them in the first place. but, after one contacted me soon after the other, all five of them so far in just one week-- a woman from an IP (indigenous peoples) community i had befriended a couple of years back when i had my class in popular culture visit and interview them; the husband of the husband-and-wife team who were one of our first booth visitors at a Hong Kong trade fair we joined in 2006, and who gave us free tickets to Hong Kong Disneyland; an old high school classmate who emailed me out of the blue (i last talked to her at her wedding, right after high school graduation!) and another old high school classmate who was a Pisces, like me, and who was close before, but whom I also felt sorry for for drowning in Piscean waters instead of swimming like a survivor and a champion....-- i started wondering what the Universe's message was for me in all these.

(by the way, the fifth person is the ex.

some days ago, he surprised me by coming to my home with the kids, and asking if he could sleep over. he just said our son, paolo, asked for him to sleep over, but i soon quickly learned from paolo and the nanny that he had a big fight with his wife. he looked so lost and pained, i felt sorry, so i said yes, he could sleep in the kids' room, while one of the kids slept with me.

the other night, he asked to sleep over again. i said yes, but i also let him know that this cannot go on for long, as he has his own life now, his own wife and his own home.

he has abided with that so far.)

anyway, i have learned that what happens outside only mirrors what is happening to you inside. so, given these "coincidental pattern", i began to wonder if the Universe was trying to tell me something about my "unforgettability" (heehee... well, that was the only thing i could come up with!).

but again, i wondered what the lesson was for me in that, realizing my unforgettability. (so what?)

and then i get this in my DailyOm newsletter today--

A New Level Of Mastery: Coming Full Circle

Life is a circular journey through our issues and processes, and this is why things that are technically new often seem very familiar. It is also why, whenever we work to release a habit, change a pattern, or overcome a fear, we often encounter that issue one last time, even after we thought we had conquered it. Often, when this happens, we feel defeated or frustrated that after all our hard work we are still dealing with the same problem. However, the reappearance of a pattern, habit, or fear, is often a sign that we have come full circle, and that if we can maintain our resolve through one last test, we will achieve a new level of mastery in our lives.

When we come full circle, there is often the feeling that we have arrived in a familiar place, but that we ourselves are somehow different. We know that we can handle challenges that seemed insurmountable when we began our journey, and there is the feeling that we might be ready to take on a new problem, or some new aspect of the old problem. We feel empowered and courageous to have taken on the challenge of stopping a pattern, releasing a habit, or overcoming a fear, and to have succeeded. At times like these, we deserve a moment of rest and self-congratulation before we move on to the next challenge.

Coming full circle is like stepping into a clearing where, for a moment, we can see where we came from and where we are standing at the same time. Remembering that we will be tested again is important, but it’s also important to pause and take a look at the ground we’ve covered, honoring our courage, our persistence, and our achievement. Then we can begin the next leg of our circular journey with a fuller understanding of where we are coming from.

by the way, too, that somebody who told me that observation about the past coming back at precisely the time when you're leaping forward? (he told me that when he wondered why all his past girl friends had suddenly come a-calling just when we were already together)--

he was the ex.

full circle, huh?

and so, i must be moving forward now in leaps and bounds: going back to the same terrain (like a review and a re-test), but with a different me. : )

Sunday, April 27, 2008

041908 Flight DL 855 Thoughts

i miss you
with a fearsome,
i cannot bear.

but, to bear somehow,
i must
stay away,
even act as if
i'm spurning you instead--
for now anyway.

until the ache
and i can
draw near you

i can stand near you
without buckling
under the weight
of my own tremulous fears
and need.

i dream of the day
when i can love you
so fully and purely
without fear
nor doubt--

but until then
i can only struggle
to love you
as fully and purely
as i can muster
despite my fears
and self-doubt.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

To Love

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Not even an animal. Wrap it carefully with hobbies and luxuries, avoid all entanglements and keep it safe in the casket of your selfishness. But in the casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

- C.S Lewis The Four Loves

Monday, April 07, 2008

Monday, March 10, 2008

papa's footprints

last night i dreamt about Papa.

i saw Honey at the cashier's counter of our bakery, tearful but smiling. i asked her why she was crying/smiling and she pointed to a picture in front of her. it looked like one of those pictures with the lyrics to the song, "Footprints in the Sand", and a picture of a pair of footprints, except that instead of the lyrics, there were words describing Papa's last living moments with us.

i learned somehow that the footprints in the picture were his, and he was "walking with the Lord now", although in little, wobbly steps, but walking still.

Papa's left leg was amputated before he died.

i sense this is Papa's way of letting us know that he is happier, more whole and peaceful wherever he is now, as i woke up feeling good and clear and hopeful too.

Monday, February 04, 2008

dream interpretation

one current life question i have in my heart is whether to heed the invitation i feel to go back to the family bakery and take care of things again, as well as papa's household, now that he is less equipped to handle the day-to-day demands of the business and all, or to stay where i am, and keep off something i have long ago left behind.

as with most life questions, it isn't really about logistical and practical considerations that weigh on me, although they do too. it's more of the emotional association with the idea, the many heartaches and heartbreaks from getting involved in something that involves papa closely again.

i've done my time for the family and i've carved out a life and even two careers of my own far from the family business, things they can't touch, things he can't touch-- things neither he nor anyone in the family don't have much knowledge and talent in but which i excel at: teaching and writing. i have a good, happy life now with my kids, no thanks to him who took every opportunity to kill my dreams and maim my spirit, or so it seemed to me then (maybe he just wanted to box me in in a world he thought was best for me, is how i think about it now).

so last night i had this dream...

i was walking along a vast field, and it was raining hard, but i trudged on. finally, i came to a small river which was overflowing. crossing it was the only way to get to the other side.

i started wading in, but got scared, when i saw other travellers further along ahead of me get washed away by the strong current, smashed against rocks, or drowned. there were even travellers from the other end, coming back, saying it's not worth it.

still, i gingerly made my way through anyway, clutching at tufts of grass along the river bank, and treading my way through as much as i could, until the waters reached me chest-high, and i just swam the rest of the way through.

i got through the other side, muddy and very wet, but alive and safe, and alone again. and i trudged on.

soon it was noon, and the noonday sun warmed and dried my body, even as it cheered me up. then i met a woman coming from the other side and asked her if there was another way back from where i was going, as i didn't want to have to go through the riverbank ordeal again on my way back.

"sure!", she said. and she walked with me and led me to a dry road where many people where walking, and there were lots of flowers and sun there. "see, you don't have to go back the same way you came," was the last thing she said before i woke up.


my interpretation:

i know by now that water always symbolizes emotions in dreams, and the rain and the riverbank apparently mirror back to me how i am right now... soaked in emotions i cannot quite well define, and dreading the prospect of crossing a dangerous river where many people have died from getting smashed against rocks, or from plain drowning.

the latter part of the dream gives me hope, though.

there is another way, a brighter, drier way. : )

and i "don't have to go back the same way i came"!

that last line is the clearest message of all.

thank you, God/Soul, for the guidance.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008


in Silence
we go deep.

sweet nothings,
and dross
fall away
as Night creeps.

what remains
is only
what is True.

in Silence
we go deep.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

deja vu?

i wonder now:
am i repeating a pattern
i thought
i've long overcome?

game cds for my son,
follow up info for my sister's husband's leg troubles,
that do not come.

or is it my fault
that like a child still
my heart hangs on to words spoken
and believes they are still truly meant
to come true?

my word is my action,
and my action, my word.
how can that be otherwise
for Them?

busy, busy, busy--
those are always Their reasons.
unimportant, unimportant, bottom-of-the-list unimportant--
that is how it always makes me feel.

i wonder now:
am i meeting
the same man
i married
and left behind?

saying "hi, how are you?"


saying "hi, how are you?"
and asking you about
what may seem to you
the boring, mundane little details
of your every day life
is really my way
of poking
into your heart
and trying to see
if i still have
a special place there

so when i ask you
these seemingly silly
chatty questions,
which don't seem to matter much
anyway (to you)
even if you don't answer them--

saying "hi, how are you?"
is really my way of saying--
"am i still special to you?
do i still have a place
in your heart?"

so, please



i should not say
"i love you"
too much.

it seems to make you
about saying it back,
or saying it first.

but you said it to me first.

i should not say
"i love you"
too much.

i should really say it
on very rare, special occasions--
that's what the books say.
that's what mama says, too.

but my heart overflows
when im with you
more than sometimes these days.

so my lips pour out
what my heart truly feels.
then, too,
what if i die soon?

i should not say
"i love you"
too much?

Monday, November 12, 2007

Spinning Arrow

yesterday morning, towards the end of my meditation, when my mind was clear and peaceful and blank... and i just waited a few moments more before i ended my meditation, just basking in the Loving Presence... the image of a spinning arrow pointed downwards (like it was zooming in already for an X spot marked on the ground) appeared.

in moments like this, when i get unbidden and seemingly strange images during meditation, i pay even more attention, knowing from experience now that it always has a message for me.

so i just sat there and watched the arrow spin, as if boring into the ground.

and then, B's face appeared.

then the arrow, then B's face,... then the arrow again; alternatively flashing images of B and the spinning arrow.

i asked God to show me what it means, even as i ended my meditation.


today, i remember it and Google-searched for "spinning arrow" and what it could mean, even as, at the same time, i am reminded of the spinning arrow in Pocahontas.

this is what i found in one of my searches:

Pocahontas: My father wants me to marry Kocoum.

Grandmother Willow: Kocoum? But he's so serious!

Pocahontas: I know. My father thinks its the right path for me. But lately, I've been having this dream. I'm running through the woods. And then, right there in front of me, is an arrow. As I look at it, it starts to spin.

Grandmother Willow: A spinning arrow? How unusual.

Pocahontas: Yes! It spins faster, and faster, and faster, until suddenly it stops.

Grandmother Willow: Hmm. Well, it seems to me that this "spinning arrow" is pointing you down your path.

So... B is my Path, huh?

and the spinning arrow is not flying through the air anymore, but landing, boring, right on target X, into the ground.


Thursday, November 01, 2007

oh, you

at west aurora:
i saw you.

what i saw!

oh, you.
needless worries...

i love

Saturday, September 22, 2007

goodbye, hello

life is funny.

i cried my real goodbyes to M yesterday by actually saying hello.

it's been two months since we last communicated, mainly because i just blocked him off from my emails. it got to a point where, every time id see his name in my inbox, id cringe inside, dreading to open it, knowing id only hurt some more.

it was crazy. he professed his love for me, yet he couldn't stand by it. we fought, we made up, we fought... it was exhausting, too.

i was hurting too much, and i didn't want to hurt anymore.

i know i deserved better.

and so i said my final, hurting goodbye to him last July, hitting him where it hurt with the truths in my heart, and then blocked him.

so whatever email replies he sent, i never got to read.

i blocked him only for a week, when i thought id block him forever.

i guess i was stronger than i thought.

anyway, not communicating with him did not mean i didn't think of him, though.

thinking of him was a habit. and i thought id just let it be, let the thoughts pass as they come, but not holding on to them either. i thought i wouldn't feed it, and just let the habit naturally die.

but, coming to America only intensified it, especially as we had the layover at L.A., where he and his parents lived.

everywhere i turned, id see these tall, Caucasian men, and im reminded of M. my sister and i have even made a joke out of it-- that i had definitely limited my options with M, when here are much nicer-looking ones! : ) (that's mean, i know, ... but maybe sometimes, meaness is necessary to heal a much-broken heart...)

it didn't help that mama keeps mentioning his name, when she intends to say someone else's name. most of the time, she actually asks about M and what really happened. i guess, in some way, she began to like him too, despite how ugly it turned out in the end.

yesterday was the worst. she mentioned his name again when she meant B... and we got to talking about M and she asked me how i could profess to love him so profusely and just suddenly stop loving him.

i told her i loved M, and i still do. but that doesn't mean he is in my future. one can love another yet find out that one cannot live with another happily anymore.

as i said it to her, i felt like crying. i had to quickly go out of the room and back to the pc to work on the butterfly business stuff.

but it finally dawned on me that maybe, the Universe is telling me something. more particularly, maybe the Universe is prompting me to do something, like message M again, even just to ask how he is. maybe, i was needed as a channel or instrument that way, that it might not fit my purposes and convenience, but that it fits the bigger scheme of things.

and so, despite my self, i finally sent him a short and simple email: "hi. how are you?", not even addressing him nor signing my name.

as i have come to know him so well, he replied back after only a few minutes, with a longer and warmer email, telling me how it's funny that i've been in his thoughts a lot lately, and how his mom keeps mentioning me and asking about me, too, and how she's finished her book and wanted to discuss it with me...

that made me cry even more. what made it difficult letting go of M, too, was because of his mom, whom i also fell in love with, and who fell in love with me as well. she is a children's book writer and a Pisces, too, and we just hit it off quickly. she is almost like a mom to me, too.

still, i replied back to M with a friendly but cool tone, even telling him how i just had to message him again, just to keep the Universe's and my mom's reminders of him off my back, as i wanted to forget already.

he quickly replied back again that he is copying his mom our emails, just so she won't get any wrong ideas anymore, wishing me and my family and my children well, and saying that he knows now we will always be in touch with each other.

and then, it turned into a series of one-liner emails, just kidding around and talking about practical stuff, like when i'll be back and whether id pass through L.A. again for a layover, and how long the layover would be...

still, even as i bantered, i cried. nobody here noticed; im good at hiding my pain. still, i cried quietly, even as i pretended to work on the pc.

i knew then, this is the real goodbye. and we can only be just friends now.

i owe it to my self, i owe it to B, who is the one i love now and seeking a possible future with. that is very clear to me.

still, i thank God.

it was a healing goodbye, too. id rather have this as the finishing touch to my more than a year of knowing and being known, loving and being loved, by M, than the angry, hurting goodbye we had two months ago.

i guess the time has come, and it is perfect time. now that B is being welcomed more closely into my life, even by family.

life is funny, and bittersweet too.

but life is perfect, any which way it turns out.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Let Your Light Shine Bright

By Clarissa Pinkola Estes

My friends, do not lose heart. We were made for these times. I have heard from so many recently who are deeply and properly bewildered. They are concerned about the state of affairs in our world now. Ours is a time of almost daily astonishment and often righteous rage over the latest degradations of what matters most to civilized, visionary people.

You are right in your assessments. The lustre and hubris some have aspired to while endorsing acts so heinous against children, elders, everyday people, the poor, the unguarded, the helpless, is breathtaking. Yet, I urge you, ask you, gentle you, to please not spend your spirit dry by bewailing these difficult times. Especially do not lose hope. Most particularly because, the fact is that we were made for these times. Yes. For years, we have been learning, practicing, been in training for and just waiting to meet on this exact plain of engagement.

I grew up on the Great Lakes and recognize a seaworthy vessel when I see one. Regarding awakened souls, there have never been more able vessels in the waters than there are right now across the world. And they are fully provisioned and able to signal one another as never before in the history of humankind. Look out over the prow; there are millions of boats of righteous souls on the waters with you. Even though your veneers may shiver from every wave in this stormy roil, I assure you that the long timbers composing your prow and rudder come from a greater forest. That long-grained lumber is known to withstand storms, to hold together, to hold its own, and to advance, regardless.

In any dark time, there is a tendency to veer toward fainting over how much is wrong or unmended in the world. Do not focus on that. There is a tendency, too, to fall into being weakened by dwelling on what is outside your reach, by what cannot yet be. Do not focus there. That is spending the wind without raising the sails. We are needed, that is all we can know. And though we meet resistance, we more so will meet great souls who will hail us, love us and guide us, and we will know them when they appear. Didn't you say you were a believer? Didn't you say you pledged to listen to a voice greater? Didn't you ask for grace? Don't you remember that to be in grace means to submit to the voice greater?

Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts, adding, adding to, adding more, continuing. We know that it does not take everyone on Earth to bring justice and peace, but only a small, determined group who will not give up during the first, second, or hundredth gale.

One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Soul on deck shines like gold in dark times. The light of the soul throws sparks, can send up flares, builds signal fires, causes proper matters to catch fire. To display the lantern of soul in shadowy times like these—to be fierce and to show mercy toward others; both are acts of immense bravery and greatest necessity. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it. If you would help to calm the tumult, this is one of the strongest things you can do.

There will always be times when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it. I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate. The reason is this: In my uttermost bones I know something, as do you. It is that there can be no despair when you remember why you came to Earth, who you serve, and who sent you here. The good words we say and the good deeds we do are not ours. They are the words and deeds of the One who brought us here. In that spirit, I hope you will write this on your wall: When a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, there can be no doubt. But that is not what great ships are built for.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D

Author of the best seller Women Who Run with the Wolves

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Love and Hate

Love is the only wealth that man absolutely needs. Love is the only wealth that God precisely is. Hate is an obverse form of love. You hate someone whom you really wish to love, but whom you cannot love. Perhaps he himself prevents you. That is a disguised form of love. You can only hate someone whom you have the capacity to love, because if you are really indifferent, you cannot even get up the enough energy to hate him. Hatred is the frustration or blockage of normal, free-flowing love.

- Sri Chinmoy

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Intentional Solitude

I first wrote this for a Philippines Today column in 2003... but in my meditations lately, asking my Inner Guides what their message is for me, what I need to learn/know in my life right now... I keep getting the words, "Intentional Solitude", and so I Google-searched for this just now, and came right smack into the column I my self wrote 4 years ago...

please click on this link to the column.


the other message I got from my Inner Guides, was the image of an empty throne, and then a man dressed in royal robes with a crown on his head, stepping up to the thrown, sitting down, and looking and smiling at me, tenderly. He looked like that actor who played the king in "One Night with the King (The Story of Esther)" that I saw on video once, but bearded, and closer to my age...

and then, these words--

"It will be filled soon."

Thursday, July 05, 2007


is it
and Love
who are strange,
or is it
and i?

'just when i thought
it's over
and decreed
my moving on
after asking the Ultimate
and he balked.
so i gave up
and erased
all traces of him...

he comes back,
in a strange manner

he says
he wants to be with me,
misses talking to me,
being inspired by me,
wants to see Bacolod
but is afraid
i will seduce him!
can i stimulate his mind
without seducing him

imagine that.

what a strange,

so i gave
an equally strange answer--
"i can seduce men
without even trying.
your answer lies
Be clear
with what you really want."


i've started saving
our emails again.

but, instead of
to a folder
in his name;
it's to a folder
"New Friends"

for him
and other new friends
i'm suddenly making

is it
and Love
who are strange,
or is it
and i?

Thursday, June 28, 2007


there are no words left to say.

i asked you the most important question of all--
and you panicked
with all your reasons
(actually, non reasons)
as your answer
(actually, non answer).

i only asked you
what your soul required;
not what your business,

you choose Soul,
all else follows.

you choose less than Soul,
all else follow, too.

i do not belong
to less than Soul.
i am sorry.
you cannot have it
both ways.

as always,
you know
i spoke the Truth
of you and i.

and as always,
it spooked you
into panic
and mindless rationalizations.

Thank you, though.
You have just
freed me,
released me

what a pure, exhilarating feeling,
i can move on fully

There are no words left to say.

My Tarot Today

Seven of Wands in the "Love and Me" position--

A positive attitude and strong potential prime you to achieve something exceptional in the relationship arena.

The card in the Love & Me position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself right now.

The Seven of Wands in this position points to a personal breakthrough or a moment of triumph. You have done a lot of work on your ability to relate to others and are at the peak of your potential.

You are a winner even if the proof hasn't manfested just yet. With such a positive attitude and strong potentials so carefully cultivated, you are bound to make a strong showing with regard to the relationship itself or something that involves you and the other person.

Temperance in the "Love Situation" position--

The situation or relationship's call for transformation or awakening is being answered.

The card that lands in the Love Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your relationship at this time.

The Angel of Healing in this position means both you and the person you are involved with (or desire) will intrinsically understand that healing produces revolutionary change on both sides of the equation. Set each other free of the old roles and projections. You have needed things to be different and now they will be.

Do not think for a moment that this relationship is not worth the effort. You will both emerge with much higher self-esteem and fewer regrets if you make the effort to see things through. Sometimes the remedy is found in going through the process rather than in arriving at any specific outcome.

Prince of Cups in the "Love Challenges" position--

Your hard-won relationship wisdom can help protect others from their inexperience or foolishness. Be generous with it.

The card that lands in the Love Challenges position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.

With the Knight of Cups (in some decks, a Prince) in this position, you may distill the essence of what you have learned on your journey, in order to let your wisdom inform the dreams and aspirations of others. Not everyone is able to go through the kind of awesome transformation you have. But you can wring the essence of your relationship, with all the feelings and insights that came with it, into the grail cup.

Thus collected, you may share this elixir of knowledge. This multiplies the benefits of your quest, and vindicates the difficulty of your labors, by uplifting everyone. In this way you can also relieve some of the loneliness you suffered while undergoing your trials.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

can't go back

24 hours--
what a vast world
it reveals:

after i made my "vow"
i thought i got excited
talking to old lovers

but only for a while.

old lovers
talking sexy
insinuating bliss...

i used to take flight
on those fixes alone
but now
no more.


i can't go back there

it is a part of me

it isn't me either


next week
next week

is now
no more.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

this wildwoman's vow

i'm washing you off
my hair,
my skin,
my life,
my heart

with a good man's
good loving

you'll see.

a full year--
i saved my self up
for you,
for us--

but you just
threw it all away
for what?

for lesser

my only fault
was letting my heart

casting pearls
before swine.

next week
next week

i'm meeting an old lover again
for some cherishing
of all the unnecessary wounds
you caused.

you undeserving swine.

i will be reborn

my pearls

c2007, JCP; no reprints without permission from blog owner

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Forgiving My Father

forgiving my father
lucille clifton

it is friday. we have come
to the paying of the bills.
all week you have stood in my dreams
like a ghost, asking for more time
but today is payday, payday old man;
my mother's hand opens in her early grave
and i hold it out like a good daughter.

there is no more time for you. there will
never be time enough daddy daddy old lecher
old liar. i wish you were rich so i could take it all
and give the lady what she was due
but you were the only son of a needy father,
the father of a needy son;
you gave her all you had
which was nothing. you have already given her
all you had.

you are the pocket that was going to open
and come up empty any friday.
you were each other's bad bargain, not mine.
daddy old pauper old prisoner, old dead man
what am i doing here collecting?
you lie side by side in debtors' boxes
and no accounting will open them up.

Saturday, May 12, 2007


he is scared, although he adamantly denies it. i can smell his fear through his words alone.

on the one hand, he tells me how he loves me and how he wants it to work so much. in the next breath, in case it doesn't work, he already talks of still working his ass off for his father's company, to secure a future for himself and "someone else" who will eventually come along. then, in the next breath, he talks about how i already have the qualities he, and everyone he knows agrees, needs and is anyone's dream. then, he shares how anyone too, would tell him that he can actually have the pick of any young lady with no kids... but then, he loves kids. yet, he also needs chemistry .... (as if he's already convinced himself we won't have chemistry!!!)

if i didn't know any better and if i didn't know him any better, i'd be definitely insulted.

but i just shake my head now, and smile. poor, sweet, darling man. all the aggravations i also put him through. having his own dad invest in his dream, here, just to be closer to me, and to have something to show to me he can be proud of.


i guess what makes me different from most people is, as a change/crisis looms, as long as i am mentally prepared for it (well, actually, even if i'm not), i get eeriely calm, like how it is in the eye of the storm. i muster up all my resources within me and i get really steely calm and cool. and even deathly quiet, unless i really have to speak up.

and this throws him off even more.

why am i not even worried about chemistry?

well, i know my magnetism (of course, i didn't tell him that). : ) and i trust in his.

because i know my heart and my gut well. (that's what i told him, of course. )

so, Love, here we come!

God bless and keep us both; help us get through this ordeal happily and successfully!!!

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Becoming My Desires

the desires we express have in themselves the seeds of change, and in our desiring, we are and must be becoming what we desire, too, because if we do not, then we don't experience what we desire.

i desired for a Soulmate kind of Love; now i've met a special person who i'm starting to have that kind of relationship with, but i'm finding out that it required changes IN ME, too, to live up to that kind of Love.

i desired for my children to grow authentic, independent-minded and compassionate, and now my just-turned-fourteen eldest is being more of her new, growing self, questioning almost all my parental practices. i can view that as conflict and war with a teen-ager; or i can view that as change, changing roles, and desires coming true thus necessitating my own change.

so what we Desire is not something we Get; it's something we Become, then something we Are.

and so, our Desires are Good; they are the catalysts for our Becoming.

i hope i make sense. : )

this is written at a little past midnight of Feb. 28 (so it's actually March 1 now), when i turn 39, but my real birthday (Feb. 29) is still a year away!

not my usual, well thought out and well written blog post. that's how one gets when the whole world misses one's real birthday, but one is still there, turning a year older...

twilight-zonish, to say the least.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

V, As It Happened

what do you know, "life is (indeed!) queer with its twists and turns"!

when i woke up today, i was half-grim, half-resigned to bear the whole day through for as long as i can, with as much grace as i can.

but now, at 12:20 am, after having just come home from a really great time out with two really very good friends of the heart and soul, and a day spent overseeing my campus writers' Visayas-wide fellowship and conducting a talk on Peace Journalism (for which i got paid 1500, what a valentine treat!), i actually think now i really had a HAPPY valentine's day, even without my Beloved here with me yet. (i miss M, yes, and i wish he were here with me now. but he is working hard for our dreams and our future together; throwing a tantrum just because of a short-term desire in exchange for long-term values is not the way to go to support him and our Love...)

today reaffirmed an old lesson hard-earned: my joy is mine to make, and my Love to give is so much bigger and grander and wider than can just be contained by any one person!

i am sooo loved too, by many people, each in their own unique, special and even eccentric ways, maybe not in the way that i expect or need to be loved at times, but loved in their own way still. and all i need to do is to be a joyful and appreciative receiver to take it all in, soak in it, bask in it and roll around in it!

and the best part is, days like today happen for me more often than just once-a-year valentines days!!! : D

Tuesday, February 13, 2007


i dread valentine’s day, like i always have.

it’s never been a day for lovers for me; it’s either i was in what i hoped would be a relationship, but not a relationship enough for the other party to even greet me a “happy valentine’s day” and make it special enough for the two of us (because in the other party’s mind, there is no “us”), or, the other party was too far away, or, i was with nobody at all.

this year, i am in what i finally think is my first real honest-to-goodness relationship… but, M has been travelling so much since last month, i’m not really sure if his present lifestyle has room for calls and emails that make him really present to me, not just out of obligation, and he is the most absent-minded person i know… so im setting my self up not to expect anything from him at all… : ( (hmmm… come to think of it, is it because i have been setting my self up all these years not to expect anything at all that i get nothing??? food for thought…but expecting more than nothing, and then not getting anything still, would even be more painful, especially since experience has not proven it otherwise…!)

i try to keep my chin up, appear nonchalant about it all, but deep inside, it hurts.

‘hurts so bad.

always on the outside looking in, i should be used to this by now. like a little girl peeking into the window of a candy store, drooling over the goodies inside, but never ever invited in.

oohh sure. people love me. there are my family, friends, kids, students, colleagues– im supposed to be popular and well-liked and admired… but who i need at this time is a Very Special Someone to share it with, for real.

i wish i could just sleep tonight and wake up to february 15. i do that for my birthday even, as feb. 29 comes only once every four years. why can’t i do that for valentine’s day?

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Goddess Ways

the point of divinity is creating life, and the naturally generative, sexual, joyful, erotic, nourishing, beautiful, connecting, loving parts of women (and men, who wake up to their powerful feminine parts) and Nature is divinity manifested.

the Divine has never been just masculine... (click on this link to watch the video "Divine Feminine")

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Edge of Time

sometimes i feel like a woman and a person, living on the edge of Time… neither here nor there, understanding everyone and everywhere, but none truly understanding me…

my closest friends of the heart, mind and soul, are people so much younger and so much older than i am; i have many acquaintances and so-called friends among people my age, yet somehow i cannot relate for long with their worldly concerns and crises… not that i haven’t had my share, if not more; it’s just that somewhere along the way of battling my own concerns and crises, i must have been thrown out of the loop into some other Timeless Place and consciousness … now i am still in this world yet not of it.

i can relate more with those old stories of the old hag/witch/sorceress/ goddess living at the edge of the woods, away from the villagers, yet whom the villagers go to for succor when their everyday lives are thrown out of keel.

and i can relate more, too, with my very young children, and their friends, looking at the world with awe and wonder but with not-so-fragile innocence now, still believing in and perennially open to possibilities, even where most others see none, still continually so curious and open-ended, disbelief and skepticism suspended, or permanently waived.

a woman friend who has recently been going through a marriage crisis with her husband shared with me that she thinks her husband is afraid of me. she says her husband said, “you know, there’s a thin line between J (me) and crazy!”

we laughed at that, and, after a few moments of silence, i told her her husband just paid me one of the best compliments ever.

and she understood. she said my combination of hellish life experiences yet my choosing to still remain trusting, open and painfully honest, added to my clear-seeing and intuition, probably spooks him, as it spooks her too, sometimes.

sometimes, though, i wish there was one other Soul i can share this with, one other Soul who understands perfectly, because he is like i am too, in many and essential ways…

maybe we can spook each other, for a change.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006


You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Tuesday, December 05, 2006


I have been an avid water drinker for the last 2 to 3 years now and I can personally attest to the health (clearer skin, more regular movement, even weight loss!) and mind (lighter feeling, focus, clarity) and lifestyle (simpler, cleaner, clearer, more peaceful, happier, more joyful way of life) benefits that come from simply drinking lots of water regularly.

And I basically adopted more water drinking as a way of life because of several initiating reasons: tight finances necessitated that my children and I drink water instead of our usual favorite beverages, which in turn led me to the pleasant discovery of feeling lighter and more focused and losing weight and looking good, which coincided with my meditation studies and practices, which led me to spiritual literature and spiritual cinema, like "What the Bleep Do You Know?", which mentioned the water experiments of a Japanese scientist, Dr. Masaru Emoto, on the amazing effects of both positive and negative thoughts on water!

So, when I received an invitation from Vance Alford to check out Xooma and after I read and studied what Xooma was all about, I became very excited! Somehow, it rang true to both my heart and experience! And somehow, too, things seem to be coming together, addressing my first reasons for turning into a water-rooted way of life: as a way to deal with tight finances and wanting not only to look and feel better about my self and my life in general, but living a life of Abundance in all ways.

It has been such a wondrous journey, and I believe Xooma is not just any MLM company out to fatten its Network by feeding off its downlines, but a unique business that both offers a product that not only improves health but even helps promote a more peaceful way of life, as well as lets everybody in on sharing all the Abundance this Universe yearns to give to us all!

In case you're wondering what I do (and whether I'm just one of those tree-hugging kookies talking about the Universe, etc. : >)-- well, I teach Economics, Cultural Studies and Communications courses at a well-respected university in our city, a freelance writer, researcher, speaker and trainer, and a multi-awarded children's book writer in my country, and I'm willing to put my name and reputation on the line for such a worthy endeavor as this!

: )

Friday, December 01, 2006


a reprieve-- that's what i suddenly got earlier this morning, when my colleague texted me to say that our Cagayan de Oro trip is off, as all flights are cancelled due to the storms raging elsewhere in the country.

she was very upset about it, but i strangely felt gleeful and relieved inside. my sudden thought was--- yippeeeeeee!!!! 5 straight days, ALL TO MY SELF TO DO WITH AS I PLEASE!!!

it's like an early Christmas treat. i have officially notified the people at work (including my students) that i'll be back Dec. 6, yet. so i have today, this weekend and Monday and Tuesday of next week all to my self, to catch up and erase all backlog, as well as spend the whole time just luxuriating in my solitude...

well, it won't really be solitary with the kids around at home, but we all do our own thing around the house, and they know when im in an inner-directed solitary mode, so i might as well be
living totally alone at home.

the kids are still asleep and i am savoring these few hours of complete, unadulterated silence, just me and my self, just me and my thoughts.

earlier, i surfed for "Ocean Park in Hong Kong", as i further build up the dream of a Hong Kong summer vacation for the kids and i come April-May 2007-- 2-3 days at Ocean Park and the space museum and the cultural center in Kowloon, and 2 days at Disneyland. that will require some mind stretching planning and budgetting and manifesting magic, but suddenly, all my dreams are within view, within reach now. i just have to reach out and take them!

next, i'll text my brother to send that house painter to me today or tomorrow instead of next weekend.

thank You, God, for this special, wonderful, magical time, all to my self!!!

Monday, November 27, 2006

bumpy ride

so it's a bumpy ride for us right now. so we're having our first real stand-off after 5 months, taking time and space from each other just to be by our selves and go back to living our individual lives without getting into each other's nerves.

nope, it's not a fight. our last communication was loving, but agonized. talking didn't seem to help much anymore. so maybe, this time, silence is best.

pain is a good teacher, if you embrace it and look it in the eye long enough to learn from it.

for the 3 or 4 days now that we have not been communicating, i have not only been focusing on attending to the other parts of my life again, i have also been doing a lot of reflecting and journalizing and reading, and reviewing and studying all the resources i have collected so far, especially in the last two or three years, on creating happier, more loving, more dynamic relationships... : ) it's funny now when i realize how i have been collecting all these articles and quizzes for a long-lasting loving relationship and marriage, even long before i was in an honest-to-goodness one!!!

i guess i must have needed to collect these as sort of a treasure map, as guideposts to help me as i grew my self towards them.

i revisited an old haunt, Rinatta Paries' site,, and reviewed my quiz results again and took some new ones. i just finished printing out and answering a Long-term Relationship and Marriage Quiz (one i never took before as i didn't feel qualified to answer it because i wasn't in such a relationship then), and my results are interesting.

generally, i garnered 88 checked points over 100 items, so that must be really very good now. but what made the results really interesting for me, though, was that the quiz asks you to review those sections where you got the lowest scores on, as those sections are intended to be your learning guide, the areas you still need to grow your self more on.

for me, i got a score of only 5 out of 10 in the section on How You Deal With Your Negative Feelings, and 6 out of 10 on Taking Care of Your Needs, which hit my personal issues right now bull's eye!!!

these are the areas i'm learning i still need to grow more of my self on now (the ones i answered False/did not check):

- I don't save up feelings, even when they seem minor, because then I would blow up when I get full.
- I voice my feelings even when I am afraid of scaring away my partner.
- I try to discuss feelings when they come up.
- I have a right to my feelings and never have to justify how I feel.
- I have a responsibility to not use my feelings as weapons against my partner.
- I do not punish my partner when he/she is unable or unwilling to be there for me.
- I do not punish myself or think badly of myself when my partner is not able or willing to take care of my needs.
- I know that it's not personal when my partner is unable or unwilling to take care of my needs.
- I do not have a problem asking my partner and other safe people, repeatedly if needed, to meet my needs.

so i have my work cut out for me; i have things to do and work on inside even if it appears like there's nothing happening on the outside. : ) when we get back to talking again, my Beloved will be prouder of me, and who i have further grown my self into! : D

despite the pain of being somehow "separated" from my Beloved right now (although i don't really feel separated, because even in the silence, he is there with me... : > ), i thank God for this Love and Friendship i have come into, because it stretches me, and refines me, and makes me strive to become the best and finest person i can be.

there are necessary pains, like this one, which have to do with growing up, and there are unnecessary pains, like the ones i've had before, which were, at their very best, manipulative and dark and confusing; and, at their very worst, even abusive and toxic to my overall emotional, psychological, physical and even spiritual health!

i thank God i have come to this blessed place at last.

God help me be worthy. And God help me do it right this time.

God bless my Beloved, too, that he will find his own clearer way through all these, and that we will only come out stronger, wiser, finer, and more in love with each other still (which i have no doubt now is the likeliest thing happening!!!)!!!

God bless M and i, and our Love and Friendship... and Marriage, someday soon. : )

Sunday, November 26, 2006

the ugly, horrible me

'tis true what i have been reading lately, that it is precisely when you are most in love and want to present your best, blooming self that you are feeling most vulnerable, and your ugliest, smallest self comes out too, because as your heart and soul open forgotten spaces for all the good feelings, these same spaces are also the avenues through which all your past, buried, ancient hurts, pains and fears rise up.

so it has been happening lately that as My Love is focusing more of his attention and energies on really working hard to make our dreams come true soon, i have started feeling neglected and pouty and scared and resentful and even jealous of his work that's taking his time and attention away from me. : (

i try to rationalize with my self that his is the wiser course and that i should do my best to be the positive, cheerful and supportive partner, but some little part of me rises up and demands his love and attention now and all of it.

so, the other day i threw a tantrum, despite my best self. it just came up. and he expressed how he felt so tortured and agonized, knowing he was causing all my hurting, and how do i have better suggestions other than the course he was already taking and doing?

that jarred me back to my senses, although it did not keep the little girl in me from holding her ground and pouting and sulking and resenting his work still...

i managed to put up a good positive front, though, and released him from his torture.

still, i realize now that these are my own inner issues i have to deal with, on my own, and my own inner work to do.

i thought i have long moved on and healed from these issues, but apparently, they are still there, waiting to be brought up at the slightest provocation, and asking to be healed, so i can be made more whole again.

it mainly has to do with my fear of abandonment i guess. at the slightest hint that a special loved one is turning their attention away from me for a while to focus on other things in their lives, this feeling of being neglected summons forth these fears-- of being abandoned, of being unworthy and not good enough, of being unlovable and unloved.

i guess they stem from a long-ago childhood of an unstable home life and erratic and confusing signs of love and affection. mainly, my way of coping has been to shut down and act cool, fortify my self against the vagaries of life, love and human nature. but when a button is pushed (usually through signs of being left alone to be on my own when i don't want to be on my own), i get really mad, even furious, even raging furious, and i start to act all whiny and needy and saccharine sweet manipulative alternating with cold withdrawing power-tripping...

so really infantile.

so really downright small, ugly and horrible.

: ( : ( : (

i am so ashamed of my self at times like these, and i wonder how anyone can still ever put up with me and keep on loving me.

: ( : ( : (

at times like these, i just wish to hide deep into my deepest self, and never come out again.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

A Sufi Reading on Building Your Own Temple Out of Your Own Being

"A sensitive person has a great need for the sacred. One needs to protect one's very fragile soul against the turbulence and grossness, vulgarity and ruthlessness one finds in the world. How can one be in the world and not of the world? ... How can one preserve one's attunement where one's soul is being pummeled all the time from all directions?

"In the course of history our societies have built temples and churches in order to seek refuge, so one is able to find one's soul again in favorable circumstances. The purpose of the temple is to provide a safe place for worship, to give expression to the nostalgia of our soul. The nomads, whether they were Jews or Arabs, found that since they were always on the move they could not rely upon a place where they could find peace and the sacred attunement of their being. They realized they had to create their own temple. Living in our modern societies, we might benefit by dedicating a room in our home that would be a temple for meditation, but not all of us can afford even that in our crowded lives. The answer is to build an inner temple out of our own being.

"The temple provides a threshold marking a very definite transit from the profane to the sacred, and marking a protection so you are able to find peace within your self without being subjected to the impressions coming in from all sides. You can seek refuge in that temple, even when you are right in the middle of activity, because you have built the temple from within. It's always there."

--Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan


for me, my temple is books, the spa, a date with my self at the beauty parlor, then my favorite restaurant, long walks through Nature, books again, swimming naked, lots of walking again, enjoying watching people quietly in a busy, noisy airport, more books, and writing, and more writing-- all done alone.

a solitary woman enjoying her own company in today's world seems anathema, though, and i had to struggle to establish, protect and nurture that temple.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

My Wish for You

whoever you are, if you have come to this place, i believe you are meant to read this. so here is my wish for you today (please click on the word "wish") ...

and please just pass it on. : )

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

angel angst

somebody pointed out to me long ago how my role in life seems to be that of a "fiscalizer" (his term, although looking up the meaning now, i find that no such word exists; it is a Filipinized term that means "watchdog" or "monitor", so i guess he used the wrong word), saying how i seem to come in when all the rest of the world go out, to straighten out people's mess, and do a good job of going about it quietly and tenderly.

in my family, i am the most sensitive and the quietest one, and everyone turns to me for wisdom and comfort when the chips are down. unfortunately for me, it seems, im the most honest one too, so everyone tends to turn uneasy with me and shun me (temporarily), too, when they're bullshitting and i name their shit.

among friends and at work, it is the same. i usually get picked to do the job nobody wants (because it takes too much, and no known solution is in sight; because it is too complex; and/or because it is too messy), and i am able to turn the job into a source of admiration and envy for everyone in the end.

just last friday while in manila for a creative writing fellowship, and riding the taxi from quezon city to makati, the taxi driver poured out his life story and his pains to me, telling me of the double life he's lived for ten years now, how he had to leave his hometown because he killed somebody in defense of his gay brother, with the other life his wife and children now even knew nothing about! as i reached my destination, i could tell he was restraining himself from crying. i asked him for his name, his real name, not the alias his wife and children knows him by, and said his name and left him with a "God bless you", praying for the grace of God to bring him the healing that he sought. he bowed at my little blessing, and his countenance seemed much lighter, as i alighted from his taxi...

i've never seen it in my lovelife before, though, until now-- just now, after my love has finally revealed to me the state of his life and the source of his fears... and how he is afraid he will disappoint me and hurt me. : ( i am quick to cheer him up, of course, because i don't see it that way, and i encourage him to get his life back in shape, that i will always be his good friend, beyond and before anything else.

this just suddenly reminds me of the ex, though, and how, when he met me, his life was going downhill, too, and how, his marrying me, his trophy wife, somehow gave his life a semblance of stability and acceptability, that he initially worked to build on, but later lost the steam for, as old habits and character traits got the better of him, when bigger challenges came our way.

this reminds me, too, of the few romances i've had, with people who were at a "lost" point in their lives, drifting, aimless, and who, in one way or another, expressed to me how i provided them with the motivation to go on, to shape up....

the last big love (not a little romance at all) called me his "Angel", for essentially fulfilling the same role in his life, except that, for me, too, he also became my angel in many ways, healing old wounds and dark hurts.

now here is My Love, calling me "precious"... and i understand why, now, after his recent revelation.

it makes me wonder though, if i'm meant to be attracting these people to be an angel to them in their lives, or are there just basically a lot of broken-ness out there?

it makes me wonder, too, how, if im an angel to many people, who is my Angel to me, the one to salve all my deepest pains and save me from my darkest self?

so far, no one has filled that role for me, except my Higher Spirit, God, books, consistently all throughout my life. i count all i have come across with as my angels, too, in the sense that i have learned and grown much from being with them and loving (and even hating) them and being loved (and hated) by them, but they were never the angels in the way i seem to be to them, that of almost-saviour, light, guide, rescuer, lifeboat.

times like these, i feel so alone. always the giver, rarely the receiver... sigh.

or is this just telling me that maybe, it is now time for me to be so less self-contained and self-reliant, to learn to depend and let go and trust others more now, to relax into letting them take care of me too?


Sunday, September 10, 2006

Ebb Tides

there used to be a time when i would panic at the first sign of decrease... at the first signals of slackening... especially in close romantic relationships. i wanted all the highs without the lows... well, the lows too, but the emotional and dramatic kinds of lows, not the routine blah ones that normally accompany daily living and loving. i wanted the dance to last forever.

these days, though, i am learning to sensitively recognize and accept ebb tides gracefully, go with the flow and even ride them in peaceful, loving contemplation, welcoming the breathers, in fact, to temporarily withdraw and mend my own nets, nurture my own garden... knowing and trusting now that when the flood comes again, it can only be better, more transformative, deeper, bringing us even closer together.

these days, i find my self developing a wiser, more sober, more mature, but nonetheless even deeper kind of loving, the kind of loving that knows in time when to let go, and when to embrace, in tune, in step with the dance at last.

that psychological concept of the challenge between intimacy and independence that one must go through as a developmental task in adulthood; i think i am getting it right this time, balancing my and my loved one's needs for both, letting my self succumb to the natural rhythms without fear and anxiety now... well, there's still always that little feeling of dread and trepidation before the descent... but with more trust and grace and peacefulness and inner joy now.

i am also reminded now of Dr. Clarissa Pinkola-Estes' "Sleep of Trust" phase that she described in her book --

When lovers enter this state, they are surrendering to the forces within themselves, those that have trust, faith, and the profound power of innocence. In this spiritual sleep, the lover trusts that the works of his soul will be worked in him, that all will be as it should be. This lover sleeps the sleep of the wise instead of the wary.

His trust is not dependent on his lover not to hurt him. His is a trust that any wound that comes to him can be healed, a trust that new life follows old.

For love to thrive, the mate must trust that whatever will be, will be transformative.

this is where i am right now.

Saturday, September 02, 2006


until i was able to articulate it to him, i never realized that's basically the essence of all my "Search" all these years, all my life-- i was looking for my match, my mate, that man of a good mind, a good heart, a fine spirit... and a wildish nature.

earlier in my youth, i met mostly people with a good enough mind (why else would i be initially attracted?). but i hadn't come around to the good-hearted part until lately... much more the fine-spirited kind. it has been a loooooooong journey indeed.

but, it is only now, that i have met someone who seems to possess all the first three qualities, plus his very own fourth quality, my wildish man, that i realized it was the missing piece that i have been searching for all along.

oohhh, no, not wildish in terms of the sensual pleasures.... that is a gift we both have yet to uncover. : )

what i mean with wildish is more in soul terms... someone who lives life by the gut, from the heart, undaunted by the usual limits, confident in their ability to ride the waves or roll with the punches, fueled by passion, like i do; somebody who looks at the world and people almost exactly like i do, too, or complementarily at the very least; someone who knows my heart and thoughts even without my saying nor explaining a lot, who understands when i keep silent and take space without making me feel guilty about it, who is his own person yet still loves me just as fully too; somebody i can "launch my all against" and yet not be too swayed nor shattered by it. someone who is his own man, as i am my own woman.

needless to say, it's not only an interesting combination, it can be explosive even, with two strong minds and spirits holding their ground even as they love each other so.

but, no worries. it takes a wildish nature to ride all that, whole and intact. : )

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Acts of Faith, and Miracles

i remember a line from the film, Under the Tuscan Sun-- "if you build the house, the occupants will come" -- which was similar to another line in the film, Field of Dreams -- "if you build the (baseball) diamond, the players will come"-- or something to that effect, and i marvel at how true they are in my life now.

a year and a half ago, i decided to stop "playing around" with short-term flings and little romances, because even if they were fun adventures, they were not doing any good to my mental, emotional and even physical health in the long run, with the risks i were taking. ive learned what i had to learn, i figured, "sowed my oats", so to speak, and so i thought it was time for me to settle down into my self, and give to me the loving that i sought elsewhere but never seemed to get, just love me and give to me and pamper me as i deserved, at last.

and so it went that as i got used to loving me just as i am, i met friends -- men and women -- who were also more of the giving types, not the taker types i used to be surrounded with before. and their friendships and nurturing further bolstered my sense of value, of feeling more deserving of true and good loving just as i am, without my having to do anything else to earn it or to pay for it.

a little over two months ago, i was introduced by an old college friend to a man whom i connected with so deeply and so soon, it brought that old girlhood dream and mantra... "soulmate"... back to life for me again.

im taking it slow this time, though... making sure i do it right this time. and surprisingly for me (i have been with men before who just pushed and rushed and insisted, never mind what i wanted or how i felt about things), he respects it and abides by it. our friendship's developing beautifully; he is like the amalgamation of all the other friends ive had over the past year and a half. he has introduced me to his mom, and his mom and i hit it off quick too. : ) he told me one time how "bizaare" his feelings for me are-- "i cannot imagine life without you in it, and yet you have just arrived in it!"

what never ceases to amaze me is, in addition to the fact of our quick and deep connection, his life circumstances are in such a way that they fit mine, and mine his, supporting each other's dreams, filling each other's little lacks.... oohhh, almost like a perfect fit. bizaare, indeed. one example is even before i met him, i resolved to my self that i will take a leave of absence from my day job by next schoolyear, to create space for my heart's true desires-- writing and reading and maybe even more travelling through the family business and my burgeoning speaking career. now, here comes a man who is not only very passionate about reading and writing (and his mom and only sister are writers too!) but a world traveler too, who is seeking to settle down at last yet still also wants to introduce me and my little ones to the places he has been! i still secretly glow from his solemn promise-- "someday, we will all travel, including your little treasures." : ) : ) : )

of course, one side of me says maybe it is still too early to know for sure, that time will tell. but so far, things have been growing beautifully, everyday miracles manifesting.

if not for anything else, what i love (we haven't spoken that L word hush...) most about this man is that he makes me laugh. even when he complains and rants about his day, without his meaning to, they always come out funny, and he just makes me laugh, and feel warm all over. i could live with someone who makes me laugh, no matter what, for the rest of my life!

: D


oohh, God, help me be worthy; God help me do it right this time!

Friday, July 07, 2006

soul powers

i have heard a contemplative nun say before that "feelings are the skin of the soul", how they are neither good nor bad but instead a powerful way of telling you what your soul really wants, or not want, if you heed them.

today, i just received a copy of a free newsletter i subscribe to describing how "imagination is the eye of the soul", how through imagination, one can create and recreate present realities, and transform them into the desired realities of one's dreams.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

need to be alone

from Kahlil Gibran:

You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts;

And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a pastime.
And in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered.
For thought is a bird of space, that in a cage of words may indeed unfold its wings but cannot fly.

There are those among you who seek the talkative through fear of being alone.
The silence of aloneness reveals to their eyes their naked selves and they would escape.
And there are those who talk, and without knowledge or forethought reveal a truth which they themselves do not understand.
And there are those who have the truth within them, but they tell it not in words.
In the bosom of such as these the spirit dwells in rhythmic silence.

When you meet your friend on the roadside or in the market place, let the spirit in you move your lips and direct your tongue.
Let the voice within your voice speak to the ear of his ear;
For his soul will keep the truth of your heart as the taste of the wine is remembered
When the colour is forgotten and the vessel is no more.